The Problem with the Happiness Debate: Divided We Fall

“Do we have a ‘right’ to be happy?” I recently saw this question pop up on Linked In. It is attached to a post about “self help experts” and “positive thinking speakers” and their perpetuation of this entitlement myth called “happiness.” Wait. What? We’re actually fighting over whether people have a right to be happy? Yes, today, of course we are. But here’s the problem with the happiness debate: if we’re debating, we’re missing the point.

The Good Old Days: When Nobody Was Happy?

“For decades,” this author begins, “people did their jobs and didn’t think about whether it made them happy.”

Um… okay? 

The implication here is that you should do this too. People were unhappy in the past, and they put up with it. And now everyone wants to be happy damn it. Damn them. Who do they think they are? Wanting to enjoy their jobs? Freaks.

Flawed Premises

So many flawed premises exist behind this debate that it is keeping us divided, shaming each other, shaming ourselves, all of us, well, unhappy.

First, a “right” implies something is being granted to someone by someone or some entity. It implies I have to fight for it, defend it, and worry it may be taken away.

But happiness is not granted to us by someone else. We choose to be happy. In any particular situation, our perspective, over which we have total control, determines our state of happiness.

I have been happy as a McDonald’s worker, as a hotel maid, as a bartender, and as a bank manager. And when I became unhappy, and couldn’t, or for safety’s sake shouldn’t, find a way to shift my perspective, I found a better situation.

I have always felt in control of my own happiness, and I have only really found myself genuinely unhappy when I relied on some external circumstances to make me happy.

Second, the idea that being happy means a constant state of eternal bliss that shoots unicorn magic from your eyes and rainbows from your ass.

Um… no.

Happiness is a state of being, yes, but it ebbs and flow with the moments, with the hours, with the days, with the weeks, and so on.

Right now, I have a head cold, I am on my period, we’re on a road trip, and my kids are needy and whiny. All of these circumstances mean I’m not sleeping well.

Yea, I’m not jumping for joy. I’m keeping it together. I’m finding appreciation in small things. I’m enjoying the drive, the moments of silence, and the times when my kids are not clawing at me.

But overall, yes, I am happy. I am a happy person with a happy life.

It is not luck. It is not chance. It is choice. I made choices around how my life is structured and how it functions, and I make choices to be happy with those choices. Every single day.

Not one person who has ever met me will ever call me fake or forced. There is a reason behind the name “femme unfiltered.” What you see is what you get. I might be feeling super bitchy in a particular moment, and I don’t hide it.

I don’t smother my feelings. I’ll simply say, “ugh, I’m feeling super bitchy right now.”

The end.

Happiness

So here is what most real life “self help experts” and “positive thinking speakers” will tell you:

Happiness means caring about the way you feel. Happiness means reaching for a better thought, a better feeling, a better action when you are down.

Because in the end, whichever emotion you feed, grows.

Yes. Your happiness matters, but that means real happiness, not faked, forced happiness that pretends my other human emotions don’t exist.

So if you are angry, do not stifle your anger, acknowledge it and figure out how to get out of it.

Sad? Same. Recognize your feelings, and reach for better ones. Work through them. All of the work is mental, emotional.

Instincts

Your feelings are your first and best indicator of your instincts. Your instincts tell you if you are in the right place, right time, right action. Trust your feelings.

Our large, societal problem, the reason we are debating, is that we do not allow people to feel their feelings, including the desire to be happy.

Either we are telling them to suck it up, or we are telling them their feelings are invalid. Or both.

We all want to be happy. It is human nature. To deny this or to pretend otherwise is a fool’s errand.

The more we attempt to shut down our yearning for joy and happiness, the more that stifling manifests in ugly ways, violent ways.

The more we tell people to suck it up and do the work, get a job and ride it out, live in misery if they must and hope for a better future, the more we will see suicide rates rise, divorce rates rise, therapist bills rise, and prescription drug prices rise.

The Hedonists Had It Right

The hedonist movement from centuries ago gets a bad rap. Hedonists were all about feeling good, and people translate that to mean drug laced orgies, laziness, and gluttony.

The reality is nothing could be further from the truth. If you are truly interested in feeling good, genuinely good, you won’t abuse drugs, you will contribute to your community, and you will be kind to others.

Why? Because you’re always thinking of big picture good.

It only takes one hangover to realize that is not a good feeling.

If you want to live on a healthy planet, so you can feel good, you will contribute to its health.

If you want a happy community, you will work toward that happiness.

If you want lots of love, because hell, that feels damn good, you will give lots of love, and so on.

Yes, You Should Absolutely Seek Happiness, Within

So yes, you should want to be happy. You should work toward happiness. The only flawed premise, and the only time people get into trouble with this, is when they seek happiness outside first.

Of course, there is a ton of happiness to be had outside in the real world. My kids make me happy. My husband makes me happy. My jobs make me happy.

But I have to get happy first inside myself. I have to love myself. I have to care about myself. Then, from that place, I can find happiness outside.

And the trick is that it can only happen in that order.

Any other order, any other false premises, and we all end up fighting, and divided, of course, we fall.

And then no one is happy.