No More Shame: Let’s Put an End to Internet Police

Shame.

“No more namaste.”

“You are glorifying your use of alcohol.”

“Stop calling people your ‘tribe.'”

“I can’t believe you let your kid walk on the edge of the bathtub with socks on.”

Shame shame.

It has always driven me crazy, really. People telling other people how to live their lives over the internet. It’s bad enough when it comes from someone you know. It’s just plain awful when it’s a stranger on the internet.

Namaste

I use namaste a lot. I hashtag it. I say it. I practice it. Yes, I use it appropriately, but the point is, I do use it.

Someone on the internet has decided that people who “misuse” namaste, making silly jokes like “Namaste in bed today,” are no longer allowed to use the word that way because it’s cultural appropriation and therefore disrespectful.

Shame.

Tribe

“Don’t call your friends your ‘tribe.’ There are real tribal people, native people, who were slaughtered and erased from history. You are disrespecting entire cultures of people and choosing the side of the oppressor.”

Oh fuck me. Gimme a break. I use tribe all time. All the damn time. I also use “coven.” I use “homies.” I use “peeps.” I use language the way it unfolds and develops and evolves through the times.

Obviously there are words we shouldn’t use ever. We all know what they are. All of us.

And then there are words that we use that if taken out of context and used against us can make us “look bad.” In these days of exposure on social media the last thing anyone wants, no, the greatest fear of many, is looking bad.

Someone comes along, strolling down the lanes of the internet, and calls us, out of context, on a word or phrase, and now we feel like shit.

Shame.

Alcohol

“Oh we’re so addicted to addiction that we have to post pictures of ourselves drinking!” We mothers “need” our wine! “It’s noon. Can I have my wine now?”

Backlash has hit the internet about (mostly women) posting silly jokes about needing wine. They shame women for making light of addiction, for being “so screwed up” that they use wine as a release.

Shame. Shame.

Gimme a break. I love wine. I love whiskey on ice. I love the feel of a glass in my hand and a mellow mood settling in. I don’t usually have more than one drink, and I don’t drink every night.

But if I did, so the fuck what?

It’s five o’clock somewhere!

Yes. Addiction is a real thing. But someone joking that they need wine at noon is probably not dealing with addiction. And if she is, it is none of your damn business! She’ll work it out. Or she won’t.

None of your business.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

Mommy Wars

I don’t even have the energy to get into the mommy wars. Suffice to say that P!nk’s kid was walking on the outside of a tub while her baby brother took a bath. P!nk posted an innocent picture about how her poor kids keep getting sick.

The internet went fucking crazy.

Fortunately, P!nk did the appropriate thing and simply flipped the middle finger emoji at shamers.

Just Stop.

Just stop with all that.

I actually had a kid shame me for drinking Starbucks the other day!

Ugh.

This is not doing anyone any good. You are not helping tribal people by shaming people for using “tribe.” You are not helping real alcoholics by shaming a woman for wanting a glass of wine. You are not saving Eastern cultures by banning the misuse of the word “namaste.”

You are not doing the real people with real struggles any good.

Also, it doesn’t change anything!

You aren’t changing hearts and minds by calling people out on “cultural appropriation” when they get cornrows on a beach in Mexico. You aren’t making people stop posting pictures of wine at noon by telling them to “rethink those unhealthy posts.”

You are just pissing people off.

Calling people out does not change anything. It only creates allies and enemies. You will get a group of people who agree with you and join your bandwagon and another group of people who think you’re a self righteous asshole now and don’t want anything to do with you.

And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that is not your goal.

Speaking from Experience

How do I know? Beyond a shadow of a doubt?

I was that self righteous asshole. I joined lots of bandwagons in my social justice warrior days.

I shamed with the best of them. I was the queen of shaming.

I thought I was making a huge difference. I was saving the world. Shedding light. (More like blocking it out.)

And when I was called out on something? I puffed up my chest and then stood on the soapbox to share the shame with those yet unenlightened.

But I’ll tell you what, it was like a drug (or wine at noon?) The hangover is awful. In the long run big picture it doesn’t feel good to make someone else feel bad. It hurts a part of you too. Because in order to use shame as a device you have to hurt someone. Shame does not feel good to anyone.

No Shame

To answer your super obvious question now, no, I’m not shaming the shamers.

If you are someone who does this, I am not now shaming you for shaming others.

I get where the shamers are coming from. I’ve been there. I know.

What I am doing is sharing with you the greatest lesson I have learned in my entire life:

I can only be the change. I cannot make people change.

Telling someone that they’re wrong will not convince them they’re wrong.

And, in the end, it doesn’t matter. We all have to deal with our own shit in our own ways. And we all have shit to deal with. Let people work through their shit on their own, without a peanut gallery.

I want more love in the world.

Going around shaming people for not loving enough will do me no good. None.

I can only be love, exude love, live love, and spread love.

If you want people to stop using tribe, don’t use it yourself. The end.

Want people to stop drinking excessively? Don’t drink excessively.

Your thoughts, your feelings, your actions. Those are the only things you can control.

You cannot control anyone else, and trying to will only cause pain, not healing.

A Sign of the Times

“I’m having a white party for my birthday.”

“A white party? What’s a white party?”

“Wear white. It’s literally two days before Labor Day. So… you know… we can still wear white?”

I’ve had this conversation about my 40th birthday party coming up this Saturday at least 5 times.

Like, um, no, it’s not a White Power party.

But this is where we’re at in society today.

Everyone terrified to offend, to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, feel the wrong way, for fear of being called out.

It is pushing us further and further apart as opposed to bringing us closer together. And our greatest need in the world right now is to be closer, to feel more connected, to be love, feel love, give love.

Give it a try. Next time you feel the urge to call someone out on some inane issue, don’t.

Next time you are compelled to educate someone, resist.

Yes, share your successes: “I’ve been sober for 30 days, and I feel great!”

And we’ll celebrate you! “Yay!”

Leave it there.

Fortunately, I have no shame. Not one bone of shame in my body. Not even a cell.

So even if I do get a shame filled meme thrown at me for celebrating my 40th birthday with whiskey on ice, I’ll just follow P!nk’s example.