How My Inner Peace Has Affected My Household

I walked out of my girls’ room a couple nights ago and found myself gently laying my hand flat on the door, smiling to myself. They are happy kids. Strong, smart, capable, and just genuinely happy kids. It was the first time in a long time I had actually even thought about it. And I was thinking about it on this night because I’ve been noticing how greatly my journey toward inner peace has affected my entire household. My kids have always been basically happy, but this happiness felt new. It felt calmer, it felt shinier, it felt peaceful.

Self Love and Inner Peace

I didn’t set out on a journey of self love even to find inner peace, much less to spread that peace to my kids. I certainly didn’t imagine myself advocating slowing down, sitting still, meditating, or moving into an anti-hustle space. Yet here I am. The self love journey is miraculous. The greater focus I placed on making myself happy, the more I had to ask what happiness actually meant. I have already written about how I don’t believe in “fake it til you make it,” and I’ve already gone through my “positive vibes only” leg of the journey. I wanted real, authentic happiness, the kind where you can get upset about something, feel afraid for a minute, respond to a trigger, and then recognize what you’re doing and get back to the business of being happy.

“Oh!” It dawned on me just a couple of short months ago. “That’s not necessarily happiness. That’s inner peace.”

Yes! I wanted inner peace. And this, I had already learned, had to come from within me.

So, I got down to the business of seeking peace. 

I was already great at loving myself, forgiving myself, letting go of shameful past stories, working toward writing new, uplifting stories. The thing that was missing was inner peace. Interestingly enough it was the most difficult wall to break down. I am not, by nurture, a peaceful person..

I am a fighter. I fight in the name of love, for justice, for righteousness, for survival. Hell, sometimes I fight for the sake of fighting. It’s deep down in my bones, and hell yes, it is generational. I come from a long, long line of fighters on both sides of my family.

Breaking the Cycle of Fighting for the Sake of Inner Peace

The first step in breaking this cycle was recognizing two things: how much senseless fighting was I doing – fighting for things I couldn’t change, fighting over stupid things, starting fights out of habit – and what were my stresses and triggers that sparked the urged to fight.

Again, the first one was easy. I had already been doing much of that work in my self love journey. I didn’t want to be angry, so that cut my fighting down by at least 75%. But I found myself still fighting with the three people I absolutely did not want to fight with: my husband and my kids.

Well, how the hell do you stop fighting with a man you’ve been married to for over ten years when you’ve been fighting for over ten years!!!???

Yes, Carlos and I love each other deeply. We are best friends. We have had maybe five big major fights in our entire relationship. But we bicker like brother and sister, and we have built a pattern of bickering that we both wanted to end, but neither one of us knew how.

And my kids? How on earth are you supposed to stop fighting with small kids?! It’s what we do! I ask, they ignore, I ask again, they ignore, I yell, they scramble, sometimes they yell back, and sometimes they cry. It’s a whole thing. There are entire social media accounts about angry dad voice and mom losing her shit in Target.

So, I put that one on the back burner.

Fortunately, addressing the first one actually led to the solution to the second one.

Slow Living Promises

I went into my life, into my heart, into my soul, and I did everything I could to eliminate all unnecessary stresses and triggers. I dedicated myself to the task of finding and maintaining my own inner peace each day, for as much of the day as possible.

I promised myself I would exercise everyday and get more sleep, average 8 hours.

Bam! My baby brother came into my room and gave me his FitBit.

He hadn’t worn it for months, kept meaning to give it to me, and couldn’t find the right time. One day, as I’m making this commitment to myself to get outside for regular heart healthy exercise every day and regular solid sleep, he brings it in to me.

I haven’t taken it off since.

I love tracking my sleep, my resting heart rate, and my steps each day.

I don’t care if I walk back and forth along my rooftop patio to get my steps with my kids running along behind me. I will get my steps in. And if it means turning in earlier than I planned or sleeping in past meditation time, I get my sleep.

No more tired, cranky, listless mom and wife.

The results have been that my husband now has a FitBit and is obsessed with tracking as well. My kids beg to come with me on walks, my youngest sitting peacefully in a stroller and my oldest jumping on a bike she hasn’t so much as looked at in years. All three of these results are miraculous in my house, and have really led to an overarching inner peace among us all.

I promised myself I would read every day, and that I would aim for 100 books a year, half fiction, half non fiction, all in the interest of inspiring some aspect of the writer in me. I reach multiple goals with this one because I put my phone away an hour before bed so I can read, and I listen to non fiction audio books while I walk or run. Winning.

I promised myself I would stop rushing. I would let people know I was running late, and I would just be late. If I got annoyed with myself for being late all the time, I would work on ways to prepare better ahead of time to be on time. This also meant I would not rush my kids or my husband either.

“We’ll get there.”

To be fair, this one is much easier for me than for most people because I not only homeschool my kids but I also now no longer work outside of the home. I almost literally have no regular place to arrive at any given time.

I do still have deadlines for client work, but I have been learning, in the interest of peace, not to take on more than I can handle, and to prioritize my projects so I’m not stressed about deadlines. I also manage my clients’ expectations. If I can’t have it done by tomorrow, I won’t promise I can.

All of these promises led to a very simple solution with my husband and kids. It was natural, it felt good, and at this point it just felt so obvious.

Seeking Inner Peace? Just Don’t Fight

A couple of months ago a girlfriend of mine invited me to a workshop on positive parenting. I’m not into parenting workshops. I don’t read books about parenting. I don’t believe in parenting experts. It’s just not my thing.

But, I do love conferences, I love meeting new people, I love to watch other people speak in public, and I love my friend.

So I said yes.

Coincidentally, this woman, Ralphie, at “Simply on Purpose,” happened to be putting on this five hour (FIVE HOURS!) workshop right as I’m working my way through inner peace and slow living, right as I’m aiming to put those last pieces into place.

Ralphie is Mormon, she’s conservative, she’s super sweet, and she and her family look perfect and perfectly put together.

If you know me, you know this is not my thing! No way am I going to vibe with this woman.

But, if you know me, you also know that I go into everything I do with an open mind. “Okay,” I say to myself. “Let’s see how this goes.” And I just open completely up.

I said I’d go, I was going to go with a completely open mind and heart.

Well, Ralphie had me at hello.

She was smart, funny, and, best of all, she was right!

It was amazing to me that pretty much every single thing she said, every single approach she advocated, every strategy she taught could have come right directly out of a handbook on law of attraction.

Focus on the good. Be your kid’s safe place. Frame everything from a positive, incentivized perspective. And, my personal favorite, and words I had just heard in Daring Greatly from Brene Brown: “Far more important than any parenting strategy is what kind of behavior you model as their parent.”

Mind. Blown.

Basically, be the change.

This workshop took everything I had been learning about myself, about love and peace, about the universe, for the last year and suddenly applied it to my relationship with my kids, and yes, to my husband. Most of the advice applies to adult relationships as well.

As Ralphie said, “If it’s not going to cause lasting harm, ignore it.”

Wait, what?

Ignore It?

Yes. Ignore it.

Well, shit.

Like I said, I have spent my entire life fighting. And now I was just supposed to ignore it? Stop nagging? Stop bitching and complaining that no one listens to me and no understands how damn much I do around here?

Yes. Yes I was.

And, like I said, this workshop came at the exact perfect time. I needed it right then and there as the final step on my path. And I was ready for it.

So I did it.

What was already well on its way had now fully arrived in the station and my wings were spread to fly.

I stopped yelling. I stopped the sarcastic comments. I stopped picking and pointing.

And I started just enjoying my family. If one of them did something I didn’t particularly care for, I ignored it. If it was too annoying or frustrating to ignore, I walked away. I didn’t stomp away. Didn’t make some shitty remark and then flee. Didn’t sigh really loudly, slump my shoulders and slink out. I just found somewhere else to be and something else to do.

Happier, Healthier, Inner Peace

The results have been almost instantaneous and have only gotten better. The other day I wandered in and out of my girls’ bedroom as Celaya tried valiantly to tie her shoes. We were supposed to have left fifteen minutes earlier, but I let go of should haves, I messaged my friend, and I waited, picking up and putting away around the house while she looped and swooped. I asked if she wanted help, and she said that she wanted to do it on her own. So I let her take the time she needed to feel her own sense of accomplishment.

That same night, before I lay my hand on my girls’ door, I had been in the room reading books to them before bed.

I found myself acting out one book in particular in a lively way. I found myself making silly voices and throwing my hands wide and my head back to energize the character. I only realized I was doing this when I looked down into my girls’ faces halfway through the very short story to find them captivated. Their eyes were sparkling, their smiles were enormous, and their laughter was genuine. They were infected by my relaxed joy. I did this. It was one of the simplest yet purest experiences I have had as a mother.

The lessons I have learned on this journey have been profound, and the results have been awe inspiring. My relationship with my family is easier, more free, and more fun.

And all of this started because I decided one day, 18 months ago, that I was no longer going to be afraid.

This is inner peace.

This is my happily ever after.