How to Stop Running from Demons: From an Expert

Yes. I’m an expert. An expert runner. When I decided I was going to change my life over a year ago, I had no idea that it would take an entire year simply to realize what changing my life meant, forget the actual change part. We’ve all heard the age old advice that if you want something different from what you’ve always had you have to do something different from what you’ve always done. Well, when you’re a survivor, you don’t think about how to survive. You just survive. You don’t think about demons. You just run. How to stop running from demons? Pshh. I didn’t even know that was possible.

Running from Demons

I’ve spent my entire life running. Even once I decided I wanted to stop running from things, I started running toward other things. I’ve got a hard and fast system that insulates me from the real self awareness required to grow. I had just enough self awareness to stay strong, to survive, and to keep going. So I’ve been keeping going for 40 years.

You see, we’re all born into these human bodies perfect, free, clear, and full of amazing intentions and the potential to fulfill every single one. Then the world gets a hold of us and tells us all these stories about how exactly to fulfill that potential. About how to be a woman. About how to survive. About how to be good. How not to be bad. And so on and so on.

We learn a ton of that before we even get out of our houses and into school.

And we don’t just learn it from the telling. Oh no.

The showing is way more important.

So when my dad was screaming “CUNT!” at my mom when I was four, I was learning about relationships and about men. 

When my mom was desperate to be loved and settled for far less than she was worth, I was learning about female sexuality and objectivity.

When we were always broke, lights turned off, robbing Peter to pay Paul, I was learning about how hard it is to be financially free.

And so on.

Of course, I also learned about unconditional love, about strength, about perseverance.

What I never learned, all my life, was how to confront, address, and tame my demons.

Every single person I grew up with was battling demons, playing out the same cycles and the same stories handed down to them by the people who were doing the same, in endless generations of pain and suffering, of overcoming and standing strong.

But never of growth.

Never of self development.

Never of real, long lasting, hope filled, dreams fulfilled success.

I never knew a single person as a child, young adult, or full grown adult like that.

Not a single one.

I don’t say this condescendingly or with blame in my heart. I don’t say it to be judgmental or critical.

I say it to acknowledge just how fucking hard it is to really break cycles and grow. It is fucking hard!

Why Is It So Fucking Hard?

Why? Because the demons in your subconscious are deeply rooted and they are comfortable. Because you know them well and because they lure you back in.

Trying to lose weight?

You will make a bit of headway and then crave something you miss. Mmmm… chocolate! Chips! Late night snack fests!

Trying to make your relationship work?

First, you will get caught up in the myth of perfection in the soulmate narrative. Yuck. (more on this in another post)

Second, you will sabotage your relationship by either choosing the same guy that is totally wrong for you or by playing out the same old cycle of neediness or coldness or martyrdom you have always played out.

Trying to make money?

You will find a way to either not make it or to lose it.

Why? Why is it so hard? And why is it even harder the older we get?

Because for each area of your life you approach, the demon (or story in your subconscious) in charge of that area will say “Oh! I’m up! This is how we deal with that!”

And each time you try something new – to lose weight, to make the relationship work, to change your relationship with money – the demon screams and fights and kicks: “No! No! No! That’s not how we do it!”

And the longer the demons are allowed free rein, the better they get at their game.

So try as you might, for a week, a month, a year, unless you change your relationship with that area of your life, unless you recognize that you have demons, big or small, unless and until you confront those demons, you will continue to find yourself back at square one, blinking and clueless as to why the hell nothing seems to be working.

Recognize Your Demons

This has been my biggest struggle.

I have spent so many years proud of how strong I am for overcoming severe pain and suffering, so proud of my survival skills, that I never even acknowledged that I had some very mean and scary demons holding me back from real growth. I spent all my time running from demons I couldn’t even acknowledge.

I have fought many, many battles, and I have won the vast majority of them.

What I never realized was that many of those many, many battles were battles of my own creation, put there by my demons.

I chose men I could abuse.

I chose jobs I hated.

I put myself into financial situations that were unsustainable.

And I survived.

I overcame my ugly situations and came out the other end only to put myself back in.

So there I was, standing on my soapbox of survival, not even realizing that there was more available to me.

Because one of my demons, the biggest and hairiest, is the one that tells me I am a survivor.

And what is a survivor without something to survive?

What is a warrior without a battle to fight and win?

That demon, the survivor, will probably be with me until my dying day. I will have to look at her, acknowledge her, thank her for helping me survive, and remind her, every day, that I don’t need her anymore. She can come along for the ride. But she gets no say anymore. I’m ready to grow.

Stop Running

So this part is also terribly difficult. You’re so good at running now, how do you stop?

Recognizing that you’ve been running helps.

Then you have to simply sit with your demons while they do their best work to sabotage you, stop you from moving forward, and continue to try to play out old cycles.

Realize that even though you may be ready to move forward and grow, your demons are not, and the thought processes that you have given them license to create are still in your head, which means the results of those thought processes and beliefs – i.e. your life as it is now – is still unfolding.

This is where I am now in many of my cycles. I have recognized my demons, I am in communication with them, and I am allowing the old cycles to play out as I create new ones free from demon help.

This is not easy.

I repeat.

This is not easy.

Working on new modes of communication in a 12 year relationship – hell, a 40 year relationship (hi Mom) – that has played out in the same ways with the same triggers and reactions is exceedingly difficult.

Working on changing your relationship to money with an overdrawn bank account and overdraft fees and interest fees and late charges piling up is brutal.

And then not falling into the pit of shame and despair is a whole other journey.

But this allowing and letting go and moving through is a critical part of the process.

Do not turn this too into a battle. Do not become the warrior again determined to fight and resist and overcome, or you risk falling into your same old patterns, still running from demons.

Be Still and Be Renewed

“Be ye not conformed to the world but by the renewing of your mind.” Jesus

Yes, yes, I’m a full fledged pagan, not a Christian by any loose definition of the term, but Jesus was a cool dude with some awesome things to say, and this was one of them.

If you can simply be still, commune with your god or the universe or just the soft part of you that will always love you no matter what, you can create new pathways. You can create a new life. You can renew yourself. This is the transformation process I am in now.

I am loving myself now, here, in this moment. I am sitting with my demons and letting them work to play out old cycles while I simply allow the best part of me, the deeply loving part of me, to create new cycles, healthy cycles, joyfully abundant cycles.

Ironically, meditation is probably the greatest tool for forward movement and success.

Sitting still with your running demon thoughts is challenging, but it is worth it. You can start with 15 minutes a day.

And each moment you sit and each time your shame rises, each time your demons crowd in, love yourself anyway.

Resist the urge to tell new shame stories about yourself when the old cycles play out, as they inevitably will, perhaps for weeks, likely for months.

Instead of saying “Ugh? See? It happened again. I was rejected. I am broken. I am overdrawn. I hurt someone. I was hurt by someone. This means I’m ____________ (insert shame story here), say, “This is part of my old cycle. I am working on building new cycles. It is not the end of the world. I am reaching for more. This old cycle will play itself out.”

Just doing that alone is huge progress and keeps you from repeating the cycle yet again.

Be still and be renewed.

Play the Long Game

Finally, as you create new cycles, create them mindfully, intentionally, and slowly.

No more running from demons.

As the great poet Ice Cube once said “Life ain’t a track meet (no) it’s a marathon.”

I have never ever played the long game in my entire life. I have lived from one fifteen minute segment to the next. One day to the next.

I have never learned how to budget. I have never set long term goals. I have never lost weight and kept it off. I have never worried or wondered about the big picture of my own life.

This is why I usually give up, and then I justify why I have given up. And because I’m a survivor, I simply say “Meh, it didn’t work out. It wasn’t for me. I’m happy with my body. My relationship is working. I have a job. I always find work. I’ll always make more money.” Or any millions of version of these shrug offs.

And while all of those statements are true, for the first time in my life, and largely because of my accidental trip into the world of self help, I realize I am actually capable of, no, worthy of, more.

But here’s the secret: getting more requires playing the long game.

More requires setting goals for a year, two years, ten years from now, and then walking toward those goals every single day.

More requires not giving up when your demons try to trip you.

More requires falling down and getting back up and trying new things, always with your goals in mind.

More requires some serious self love.

Knowing all the while that if you can think it, you can be it.

If you have the capacity to want it, you have the capacity to get it.

And knowing that it was never about and it will never be about the things, the goals, or the dreams. It was and is always about being the person who works for and gets the things, who sets and walks toward the goals, and who allows herself to dream even when she’s awake.

It’s knowing that just the fact that you are setting goals and allowing yourself to dream with “I will” statements is part of your happily ever after.

It’s knowing that happily ever after is a certificate you show up to claim every single day, both satisfied with the present and eager for the future.