Having It All: Stop Compromising Your Dreams

There I was, on deadline, Sunday afternoon, with content to send to a client by 6 o’clock.

“Hi! I’m behind schedule right now. I’ll have this to you by 7.” I sent my client.

“No problem. I’ll be ready at 7.” He responded.

Shit shit shit. I’m starting to stress. I’m worried. What if this sucks? What if he never wants to work with me again?

Well, I did the best I could with what I had. I sent it. I forgave myself for not exceeding my own expectations. And I went for a run. I had four more projects to complete that week, plus care for two small children, plus run a household, plus work a few days a week as a tutor, plus grow a brand new women’s circle from the ground up. This is what having it all looks like.

Having It All

I’m currently writing this piece while my children play a few feet away, occasionally whining and fighting, occasionally needing me to fall on the floor and let them climb all over me. I may not finish this essay in one sitting. It may not be until tonight that I actually get it written, edited, formatted, and published.

But I’m doing it.

I’m doing it.

I sat writing at my desk yesterday afternoon, right before the women’s circle I recently started, which was about to take place in my living room, my kids up at the pool with my husband, and I thought, this is what having it all looks like.

Sure, sometimes I’m stressed, but it’s a good stress; my stress pushes me to meet (or almost meet) deadlines, to get my house cleaned, to move to the next project, to throw myself on the floor with my kids or into a dance party with the karaoke machine lighting up the room.

My stress is normal stress. It feels like a rush of adrenaline that forces me to focus and prioritize so I can calm back down and enjoy whatever I am doing in that moment.

Most of the Time, I’m Having Fun

I stay home with my kids for all but about 10 hours a week when I head out to tutor in a center.

I have a healthy batch of clients who like working with me and who I really like working with.

I set my own rates.

I run my own website, and I’m building toward writing my first book.

It is all coming together.

And that’s what having it all looks like.

It’s all coming together.

You’ll Never Get It Done

The moment that realization hit me, “You’ll never get it done, Shanna,” I was free.

We say it all the time, right? “It’s about the journey.” “Stop and smell the roses.” But who actually does it? Well, I do now. I’m planting the roses, I’m playing in the dirt, I’m running barefoot through the grass, and when the roses grow, I’ll smell the hell out of them, and then plant some more.

After I sent off that piece to my client, I headed out for a run. I still had a million things to do, but now was a time for running. I needed to feel free. I turned on my running playlist and hit the streets, blasting Florence and the Machine and Rhianna in my head at top volume.

I ran, I danced in the middle of the road, and as I turned the corner of my own street after a few miles of singing and running and dancing, I leaped into the street, ran across, took my shoes off, and walked barefoot in the field.

My children were just getting out of the car with my husband and they ran to greet me with “Mama! Mama!” shouted from their little red lips.

The dog days are over.

I have it all.

And I’m not done. Not even close.

Because I’ll never get it done. Why would I want to? It’s the getting there that’s so much fun.

The Difference a Year Makes

One year ago I was a part time tutor, trying to pay bills, trying to find balance between wanting to be home more with my kids and wanting to use my creativity, wanting to make a ton of money and achieve financial independence and working at a job that at some point will have a salary cap.

I was also dealing with severe postpartum anxiety that had me seeing double and shaking with panic attacks.

The day I looked at the monster called fear in the face and said “no more” was the first day of the rest of my life. And I’m going to live to be at least 100, so I’ve got a long road of love, light, and laughter ahead.

Of course it didn’t all fall away instantly, but it did instantly feel lighter.

Gradually, I opened myself up to the possibility of living a life filled with only love and no fear.

Period.

Obviously it’s not a one time decision you make and then live with happily ever after. I still feel fear creeping in, but now I just remind myself of my decision and why I made it.

To be happy.

Period.

Every single day since then has grown in happiness. Even the days that are dark, the dog days, and sometimes they get really dark, end well.

In fact, the dark days open us up to even more joy.

Another boulder I dropped in the road because once I realized I was carrying it, I dropped it.

Realizing I Have It All

It has only been recently, after a whole year of first thinking I had to be stressed out and take writing jobs I didn’t like, of fighting with my husband over stupid shit, of doubting my abilities, of falling down and getting back up repeatedly, that I have finally had my aha moment.

I am here.

I have everything I ever wanted. And now I have all this space to want more, reach for more, run toward more.

And you know what the only thing was that ever got in my way?

Me.

My whole life I knew I wanted everything I have right now, and it took me this long to get it, the sweet, supportive husband, the loving brilliant beautiful daughters, the big penthouse apartment with a view in the middle of a thriving city, the great relationships with family and friends, the fulfilling and well paying work, and fun, more fun than I could have ever dreamed of.

My Butt Got in My Way

But but but.

My butt got in my way.

No, not that kind of butt.

My but.

“I want fulfilling work that pays well.. but then I won’t be able to be with my kids.”

“I want the nice place in the city… but I’ll have to own it, and I can’t afford to buy a house.”

“I want a strong loving marriage… but men can’t be trusted, so I can’t open up.”

“I want loving relationships with my family and friends… but we’re so different, so we’ll never be close.”

“I want more… but I’ll lose what I have.”

Oh how silly we get with all of these stories and compromises we have gathered over time and years. Stories and compromises handed down to us through misery and pain, from other people who were living in misery and pain or had lived through misery and pain, and were “only looking out for our best interests.”

Of course.

You know misery.

That bitch loves company.

You Have to Let Go to Get to Having It All

But once I let go of working, let go of forcing, let go of figuring anything out, and I just opened up to inspiration and impulse, it all came together.

I am now sitting here writing this essay many hours after I sat down to begin it.

My children insisted I stop working. So I went with it. I saved my draft, I message a client, and I got us up and out the door, headed to Costco.

I bought my kids ice cream as soon as we walked in the door (yep, I’m that mom), so they shared soft serve as we wandered the giant aisles, giggling and dripping sticky vanilla all over the cart and each other.

They shivered in the refrigerated room and fought over the last bite.

Matilda finally got bored of the cart and insisted on walking, barefoot, down the candy aisle where I made sure to stock up on my Lindor truffles.

And I grabbed a pizza on my way out so my family would have dinner after I left for the tutoring center later that day.

“Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!” My 18 month old insisted, all the way out the door, the entire time I was loading the car, and the entire time I was buckling her in.

So, of course, I fed my kids pizza from the giant pizza box in the front seat, handing back slices and bites as I got gas and then drove home.

I’m just going with the flow, whatever that flow happens to be in the moment. I’m going with it.

I don’t need to push, force, or figure anything out. And neither do you.

Find Your Happy Place

You can never get it wrong. It will all always find a way to get done. It will all always come together. Whether you worry and drive yourself crazy over it or not. So why go crazy over it? Choose happiness instead.

The control freak in me had a really hard time with this, until I realized that I could still have control, I just had to shift what I was trying to control.

I’m no longer trying to control outside forces. Now, I focus on controlling my emotions, controlling my reactions, controlling my beliefs, controlling my decision to choose love over fear.

In short, I make sure I am setting myself up for emotional success every single day. I am finding ways to be genuinely happy no matter what.

The happy bi-product of that is that more and more opportunities arise to make me happy.

That client I was so worried about? The one whose deadline I missed by an hour? He emailed me the next day to offer me another job, three times the price of the previous one.

Yea, I’m really enjoying having it all.