Having a Bad Day: It’s Not Them. It’s You.

It can happen to the happiest among us. And it can happen for any number of reasons. You didn’t get enough sleep. You haven’t gotten enough sleep in a week, a month, a year! Your kid is sick. You started a new job and you’re feeling overwhelmed. You’re PMSing. Anything can turn a potentially good day into a blah day, and if you’re not careful, a blah day can quickly turn into a shit storm of epic proportions. So when you find yourself feeling blah, or having a bad day, remember this first: it’s not them. It’s you.

You’re Just Having a Bad Day

You are not having a bad day because of anything else other than the fact that you need some self care. It is not your husband’s fault. It is not your kid’s fault. It is not your boss’ fault. It is, in fact, no one’s fault. You’re just having a bad day.

You feel like shit. That’s okay. You do not need to think about why, who, what, where, when. Just take a bath, go for a walk, watch a romcom, have a glass of wine, do what you have to do to get through the day, and get in bed as soon as possible. 

Because the truth is this: mulling over why you might be in this mood is not going to help. Picking a fight with your husband because you’re so sure it’s that you have tripped over his shoes for the hundredth time is not going to help. Yelling at your kid for the huge messes she leaves everywhere is not going to help.

Pick pick picking at yourself or anyone else is only going to make matters worse. It will only allow that awful blah feeling to turn into that aforementioned shit storm. Then you run the risk of carrying your blah day into the next day, and dragging those bad feelings out longer than necessary.

It’s Not Her. It’s Me.

A few weeks ago, I walked into my yoga studio with my yoga mat under my shoulder and my headphones in my ears. I heard my name exclaimed quite loudly as I opened the door: “Shanna!”

It was my longtime girlfriend and yoga instructor who was subbing for the regular teacher. She had seen me through the plate glass window and was happy to see me.

We hugged, cheek kissed, and checked in with each other. Instantly, I began to do what we always have done for our decades long friendship, gossip.

Now, I have mostly done away with gossip, with negative talk, with commiseration, but seeing my old friend brought up some triggers, and I unthinkingly fell into old habits.

She asked how I was and I said “really good! Unbelievably good!”

And she said “well, enjoy it. Because it doesn’t last.” And she laughed, and the yoga class started.

The class was great, but something felt off. I felt bothered by her comment. She’s an excellent teacher though, and I got a great workout, working to find my zen place and brush away this gnat of annoyance.

After the class ended, she came over to me with a big smile and said “you did great today! It was nice to see you.” She kissed my cheek and rushed off.

WTF

It was such a strange encounter with someone I had been so close to for so many years that I walked home in a daze.

Of course I told my two closest confidantes, my husband and my brother, about it as soon as I got home.

I told my friend about it in the park the next day.

And all week it kept coming back to me.

What was wrong with her? Why was she so weird with me? Why did our connection feel so off? Why is she so unhappy?

It took a full week of letting it linger in the back of my mind before it dawned on me, walking to yoga class once again: it’s not her. It’s me.

It was me all along.

I felt off because I was off. None of this had anything to do with her. I felt off, disconnected, likely unhappy with myself for falling into old habits, and our wavelengths couldn’t connect.

But because we, as humans, always look outward, “what is wrong with them?” we often stir up trouble both inside of ourselves and with other people because we cannot accept that if something is wrong it is because we are out of alignment with our happy place.

This Does Not Give You Permission to Beat Yourself Up

So then, if we do finally acknowledge that we are the ones that are off, we beat ourselves up.

Only a week later, once again, I was off to yoga, and I was feeling a bit rushed. My husband was driving me crazy, I was trying to get out the door, and my six year old flooded my back bathroom.

She had been giving her dolls a bath in the sink, and the water splashed onto the floor.

Just as I was heading down the hall toward the front door, my one year old walked barefoot into the bathroom where her sister was happily bathing her dolls.

“Waaaaa!!!” I hear my baby cry from the back of the house.

“Ugh!” I grunt out, heading back down the hall now in the other direction.

I see Celaya carrying a crying Matilda out of the bathroom and into my bedroom.

“She slipped.” My daughter said.

“Of course she slipped! You spilled water all over the floor, and you didn’t even bother to clean it up! You didn’t even think about what could happen! Do you even think about what you do when you do it?!”

I was so upset. My voice was raised. My baby was crying. My husband was looking on. My daughter looked cowed.

“Honey.” My husband says. “Just go to yoga. You need it. Take my car. You’re gonna be late.”

“No.” I say. “I need the walk. Trust me. I need the walk.”

Stupid Stupid Woman!

This time, it didn’t take me a full week.

I only got halfway through yoga before it smacked me in the face.

“It’s not them. It’s me!”

And then:

“I’m a horrible mother. I’m a horrible wife. I love my husband. My daughter is just a kid. She was just having fun. What the hell is wrong with me?!”

Fortunately, I snapped myself out of that pretty quickly. I’m not one for self flagellation. I don’t enjoy being beaten up. Not even by myself.

I have learned very well on my journey into love and light that the simplest way out of that kind of mess is to say, genuinely and with a full heart:

“I’m sorry. I love you so much. I don’t want to fight. Please forgive me.”

So I did. I went home. I made my apologies with hugs and kisses, and we all had a good night together.

Trust me when I say it was not always this easy for me. I would spin out and stay angry all day, for days sometimes, blaming everyone and everything for not pleasing me and falling into my “perfect” conditional state.

And trust me when I say that this new way is much much better for everyone involved.

Wake Up and Try Again

The next morning, I woke up, refreshed, feeling strong, feeling full of love, I went through my morning meditation, and I wrote in my journal of appreciation.

Every single morning is an opportunity to start fresh, to build a foundation for a happy day.

And I have found that the old saying, “never go to bed angry” applies so well here.

If you go to bed still fuming over something, you’re likely to wake up and remember it, and then get yourself all worked up again.

So before you go to bed, whatever it is, whatever it is, let it go.

Some simple reminders will help. Tell yourself this:

There is likely nothing you can do about it right now.

You are probably blowing whatever it is way out of proportion.

You don’t actually like the way it feels to feel whatever negative emotions you are feeling.

You want to feel good.

You want to feel good.

You want to feel good.

And some simple strategies to get yourself into a good place before bed:

Hot showers are the best right before bed! You can get a literal and mental cleanse.

Meditate. Sit, quiet your mind, clear out all thoughts, and find alignment within yourself.

Have a glass of wine. Only do this one if you already drink wine. I’m definitely not recommending a glass of wine for non drinkers. But one glass of wine at the end of a long day, especially after some meditation and a hot shower, can help you lower your final barrier of resistance.

Last, but certainly not least:

Let it go. Just let it the hell go.

If Elsa can do it, so can you.

And if at the end of all of this, you are saying “But Shanna! It’s only 10 o’clock in the morning! How am I supposed to get through the rest of this day? How am I supposed to make it to bedtime?”

I say this: try the reminders, try some of the strategies (probably not the wine), and take a friggin’ nap.

That’s what I do.

Works every time.