Happiness Is All About Perspective: Shift Happens

I do not, nor have I ever, buried my anger. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my fire in my eyes. My husband will say to me, “I thought you would be upset about that.” I look him in the eye. “Honey.” I say. “If I was upset, you would know it.” Twelve years we’ve been together. The man knows I don’t hide my anger or irritation, my sadness or dismay. In general though, I am a happy person, and I always have been, because I realized a long time ago that happiness is all about perspective. Now, it is a matter of maintaining and directing that perspective.

Warrior Women

I am a survivor of many, many things. My childhood was filled with drugs and drinking, violence and abuse. Women around me were hit, cheated on, yelled at, taken advantage of, left alone to raise children, and relied upon to do literally (yes literally) everything.

I watched all of those women rise every single day, care for children, care for homes, work hard outside of the home to earn income for their families, and thrive.

They made lemons out of lemonade. They grew flowers from shit. 

And they smiled. They laughed. They found joy. They loved deeply and they didn’t guard their hearts.

They were, and are, warriors.

They, like all strong women who came before them, know the secret, that happiness is all about perspective.

That sustained anger only hurts the person sustaining it.

Warrior Woman

From an early age, I began fashioning armor and placing it carefully around me. At times my armor was pierced, but each time I came back stronger, and built stronger armor. No chinks.

I would not be damaged. I would not be abused. I would not be taken advantage of.

I would be a warrior woman from birth, not from circumstance.

And I was.

For many years I wore my armor with pride. I was strong, smart, and capable.

And yes, I still laughed, I still loved, and I still had fun.

But there was a vulnerability I never allowed myself to have, and it left a part of me undeveloped.

Taking Down the Armor

When my husband came along, I met my best friend. I understood what a soul mate is supposed to be. He is a true companion. He wants us to be as great as we can, and so do I.

He helped me recognize that I even wore armor.

“Why do you hate men?” He asked me.

“What?!” I was shocked. I didn’t hate men. I had taken many lovers, had many relationships in my past, many notches on my bedpost. I loved men.

And then I thought about it.

He makes me think about things.

Maybe I did hate men. Maybe I was angry with the whole lot of them. And maybe I had spent all of these years simply using men for my own needs and tossing them aside, never really understanding what it meant to be in a partnership.

Okay, no maybe about it. That is what I had done.

Slowly, my defenses came down. And when I got pregnant with our first daughter, I took my armor off.

I knew that I had to be completely vulnerable and soft hearted with my baby, and I knew that I wanted my husband to have all of me, so there I was, open, exposed, raw.

And fucking terrified.

Fearlessness Becomes Abject Fear

Now, with this precious baby I had wanted so badly, all of my happiness was shrouded in fear and despair.

“What if I lose her?” I would worry, imagining all the awful possibilities. “What if she loses me?!” Even more terrifying to me. Who could possibly be the strong mother my daughter needed if I was gone.

Fear turned to terror turned to anxiety turned to full blown panic attacks in the middle of Costco that made me have to set my baby down in the cart and walk slowly, breathing deeply and fighting to stay conscious, up to the concession stand, asking if they could please please give me a glass of water and maybe a hot dog bun.

I had come full circle from bad ass Woman Warrior to shaky and vulnerable (gasp) mother.

It was only after years of just trying to survive and battle anxiety, running miles at a time to get through it, getting enough sleep, managing my fears, using logic to walk myself out of the fear, that I realized what had happened and what needed to be done.

I had removed my armor and now I was struggling to survive in a world that I didn’t know how to navigate without solid armor.

In fact, as soon as even a tiny inkling of attack or assault, even just a perceived assault, would come from anywhere, I could feel my armor, my wall, racing back up.

Like Iron Man reaching out his hand and his body armor perfectly placing itself on his body.

Any perceived slight and I would suit up: “FUCK YOU!”

That fast, like lightning, ready to scratch out eyes and rip out guts.

My poor husband had to walk on egg shells.

But I was vulnerable, and I hated being vulnerable.

I also knew that I didn’t want to put my wall up and be closed off to my own children, my husband, who deserved an open and loving mother and wife.

Happiness Is All About Perspective

So I built something new.

I pulled from my education, from my wisdom, from my years of reading philosophy and social science and history and literature.

I knew that one really effective way to move forward from pain and through any potential assault is with anger and coldness.

“Expect nothing, and you’ll never be disappointed.”

I also knew that another, even more effective way to move forward was with love.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.”

I could shift, I could throw out my armor forever, melt it down and turn it into something beautiful. I could instead build a force field energy of love around me so strong that my love could shine through, from me, but that hate could find no refuge, no handhold, no position from which to pounce.

I would forgive my trespassers.

I would love my enemies.

My enemies would become my friends.

I would choose love, and through love, even in the darkest of times, I would find happiness.

“Just Be Happy?”

So I’ve taken some shit for this from my fellow activists.

“Just be happy seems a little sexist.”

“It’s impossible to be happy all the time.”

“You’re telling me to be happy about assault and violence?”

No. No I’m not saying any of that.

I’m saying that you can recognize a slight, recognize a hurt, an assault, an attack, and you can even get angry about it in the moment.

But then you get to choose where to go from there.

Do you choose the position of violence for violence, in which you will likely go down with your assailant?

Or do you choose to look at the flip side of the attack, find the love, find the joy, and grow that?

If you are a victim of a male assailant, or many male assailants, you have a choice.

You can hate men because men suck and they’re all abusers.

Or you can love women and uplift women and empower women.

There are two possible directions you can take from every single situation and on every single issue, and it isn’t democrat or republican, liberal or conservative, it is fear or love.

I can be outraged by a situation and then use that outrage to fuel my movement for more love, more compassion, more empowerment, more change.

This does not mean I am always smiling. It certainly does not mean I smile when I am attacked.

It means as I go throughout my day, every single day, I choose love. I choose joy. I choose happiness.

It means I can get angry, feel sad or disappointed, and then pivot back to love and joy rather quickly, finding the loving and peaceful way through any situation.

This is my choice, a long thought out, necessary choice. It is personal for me because I have children who I want to grow up in light and love, not darkness and anger.

And, most importantly, it works. I have found love where I never expected to find it, or even ever looked. I have found joy in small and large occurrences every single day. I have built better relationships with my loved ones, and I have a clearer sense of direction for my own personal path than I ever have before.

This is my work.

Anger begets anger begets anger. Anger burns its own house down. And I do not want to burn down.

No one, no one, can have my hate.

I will not put my armor back on.

I can’t.

It is already melted down.