I have always been an advocate of free range parenting, the parent who provides very wide boundaries within which children are free to roam about and explore. And for the most part, for six years, I have been a free range parent. Sure, I hovered a lot when Celaya was very small. It took me two years to get her, and then her birth was troublesome, and she was born with two holes in her heart. So I was always concerned for her physical safety when she was smaller.
Recently though, I have learned that my role is not that of a helicopter, but that of a tour guide.
Helicopter Mom
I would hover under her as she climbed play structures. I would rush to her after the slightest fall or bump or bruise. I protected her from three year old bullies. (Three year old bullies? Yea yea, I know.)
At the same time, as she grew, I gave her more and more freedom outside. “As long as I can see you” became a common expression. One time, when she was much smaller, she and her friend were playing while the other mother and I chatted, and as the girls ran and ran, they approached a long row of bushes that led around a corner.
Celaya’s friend just took off around the corner. But my three year old stopped in her tracks and shouted “Wait! Sara! Our mom’s can’t see us!”
It made me feel so secure at the time.
Retiring the Helicopter
But lately, as I have begun to develop my own close relationship with my inner voice, my intuition, my own personal guidance system, I have come to realize how important it is that my daughters develop their own close relationships with their instincts.
That had been the missing piece in my “free range parenting” all along.
I expected, no, I instilled in my oldest daughter that I am her inner voice. I am her instincts. I am her Jiminy Cricket.
Fortunately, and hopefully before too much damage has been done, I have come to understand that not only am I completely incapable of being my daughter’s inner voice, I also really really don’t want to be.
Our goal as parents is to raise children who will grow up independent and leave us, headed out into the world kind, strong, smart, and capable. I won’t be with her forever, by her side for every single decision and experience. It is imperative she build a powerful relationship with her own guidance system.
Inner Voice?
We all have an inner voice. Some call it God, some call it the Universe, others call it Source Energy or Spirit.
It’s all the same.
It is your best self. The you that sees only good, only love, only positivity.
And you know you are out of alignment with your best self when you don’t feel good. Your emotions are your best indicator of alignment.
I have become one hundred percent awakened to this truth in the last few months. The clarity I have achieved on this subject has been profound.
I am in a place now where I check in with my feelings first, before speaking, before acting, before anything.
Do you feel good?
Act. Speak. Go with your feelings.
Do you feel angry, cranky, frustrated, tired, sad?
Don’t act. Don’t speak. Go to bed as soon as possible, wake up, try again.
Teaching My Children to Recognize their Inner Voices
So I have been experimenting with this concept with my kids, obviously more with the six year old than with the one year old.
Each day, Celaya and I sit on a yoga mat, facing each other, and we set our intentions for the day. A lot of our little five minute pow wow involves affirmations.
“I am good. I am kind. I am pure positive energy. I love myself. My most important job in life is to feel good.”
The teaching springs from there.
Now, when we start to argue, if Celaya is digging in, if she is getting sarcastic or pushy, I simply walk away.
Before, just a few weeks ago, I would dig in also (where do you think she gets it?), we would fight, I would win (I’m the mom), and that would be that until the next time.
But I could just see this scenario playing out, worse and worse, with more and more anger, over the next 12 years. And the teenage years?!
No. Just no.
So, I walk away, calmly.
“Where are you going Mama?” She follows me.
“I really don’t feel good about the direction this is going, Celaya. I am walking away until we can both be in a good place again, and then we’ll talk.”
It has worked wonders.
We discuss things calmly (for the most part), we listen to each other, and we both check in with our feelings. We have a happier house; we are all working on just being happy.
Like magic.
Who would’ve thought?
Letting Go of My Kids
Little by little, I am letting go in other areas.
In the past, when Celaya would want to take on a physically challenging (read: “dangerous”) adventure, I would caution against it, fear taking hold.
“Um, that’s really high. You could fall. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
But now, since we’re talking about instincts, I’ve been flashing back to how much I did as a young child. I never fell from monkey bars. I never fell out of trees. My mother was never under me telling me to be careful.
I was wild and free, and I loved it. It is a large part of what has made me who I am today.
And I so want that for my daughters.
So when we went on a nature hike with friends a couple of days ago, and Celaya and her buddies decided to walk along a wide fallen tree that sloped uphill, I said nothing.
And as she walked, holding a giant stick in her hand, balancing her feet on the broad trunk, I trusted her to trust herself.
No fear.
And as her friends backed away, came back down from the tree, Celaya climbed ever higher.
When she reached the highest point she could reach for her, she called out to me “Look at me Mama! Look how far I got!”
And my heart swelled, tears filled my eyes with pride.
Not because she climbed really high out onto a semi dangerous branch.
Not because she accomplished something fun and adventurous.
But because she was so proud of herself. Because she trusted herself. Because she did not ask me, did not question herself, she followed her instincts.
She is a changed girl from that experience.
And I am a changed mother.
I’m Just a Guide
My big takeaway from all of this, my own personal journey, and my small experiments as a guide for my daughter, has been exactly that: I am just a guide.
I do not own her, do not control her, am not better or worse for how she performs in life.
She came here into this life with her own goals, her own dreams, her own intentions, and it is my job to provide the best possible environment for her to come into her own, to choose her own way, to find her own inner voice, and to listen to it as often as possible.
It is at once terrifying, thrilling, and empowering.
My only job as a mother, beyond the obvious food, shelter, and clothing, is to guide my daughter toward finding joy in life through listening to her inner voice and provide the best possible environment in which to do that.
You may want to tell me that it is way more complicated than that. What about school? Education? Socialization? Civilization!?
But it really doesn’t have to be complicated.
Following her bliss will lead her to ever more learning, ever more good friends, ever more new experiences from which to grow.
Making her dominant intent in life to feel good, to be happy, to be joyful, will lead her to more love, to more kindness, to more compassion.
And for the most part, all I have to do is look on as my heart swells and my eyes fill with tears.
The best kind of tears.
My older daughter is 9 and is wanting a lot more freedom. It can be hard to give that to them, but they do need to learn how to hear their own guidance system. If they keep it locked away, it won’t do any good later in life! Great parenting skills and advice here!
thanks!
I respect your perspective on parenting and your willingness to live it every day with your family, and I love your morning yoga mat affirmations with your daughter!
thank you! I love those affirmations too!
As always thank you for sharing your insights! 🙂
and thank you for reading them!
I love that you have learned how to “argue” and make it productive, or walk away until it is! She will pick up on that!
thanks! Yea it’s working so far. We’ll keep working at it. Because I certainly do not intend to fight with her for 15 more years!
this is great, kids definitely need a bit of freedom but not too much. It is all about finding the balance and teaching them what to do with their freedoms.
yes, helping them trust their instincts to fully enjoy their freedom instead of rebelling and seizing a sense of “freedom” that is actually perilous.
I’m not a mom– but I can see how giving kids some space to explore is important. That fosters independence and allows them to make mistakes and learn from them.
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