Evolution of Self: Learning to Love My Spiral

I sat at my desk this morning, one day away from starting my period (according to my marvelous FitBit), and I welled up with tears as I told someone’s story for her. I was writing an admission essay for a client who had overcome a lot in her life, and I sat in her skin, with her reflections, for the 20 minutes it takes me to write a 300 word admission essay. I cried for her. I cried for her evolution of self, which made me reflect on my own evolution of self, and then I cried more.

I have had a lot of these moments lately, PMS or no, frustration that I’m not farther along, tension building, and then the relief of the realization at just how far I have come. I am learning to love this spiral work, and what is particularly amazing is that the more I grow and the farther I get, the quicker this process gets and the sooner the relief hits me in a wave of self love.

Spiral Work

The concept of spiral work has been eye opening for me, and it allowed for the continued major breakthroughs I have had. It has made me a better writer, more dedicated to my work, and more accepting of myself where I am right now. In case you’re unfamiliar with spiral work, allow me to give you a brief explanation. In the old and dying patriarchal model, everything is linear, with a clear beginning and end. You try and you fail, or you try and you win. You live, you grow, and you die. The end.

In the new (or renewed), feminine model, everything is spiral. All of life and everything in it functions in cycles that repeat themselves in continued evolution. Obviously, if you look around you, you quickly recognize that absolutely nothing in nature is linear, and everything is cyclical – seasons, days, weeks, life, etc. Nothing ever really dies, everything is always renewed, cycling back in freshly evolved ways. If we see growth in this same way, we allow ourselves much more grace, and we let go of shame and criticism, which actually stunt our growth.

The Joy Is in the Journey

So now, instead of seeing myself as a failure because I’m not further along in my journey – I’m not a published author yet. I’m not financially free yet. I’m not traveling the world yet. Oh no! Fail! – I can see myself as a constant work in progress with no deadlines and no time limits. Time is actually on my side.

At forty, I have spiraled so many times now through similar scenarios that I am that much wiser. I have experienced so much that I am ready to take on anything. And I have overcome so much that I have more faith in myself than ever. So really, I’m just starting to do the real actual digging in and getting down to making my dreams come true work. I am fully equipped. A new journey begins in a new cycle. This is evolution of self.

The cool thing is that this is true of everyone at all times. We are all always beginners. We are all doing the best we can with what we’ve got. And we know this to be true, because if we could do better, if we had the tools to do more, we would.

Shame and Judgment

So very many people take issue with this last concept. I believe we struggle with the idea that we are all doing the best we can with what we’ve got for one of two reasons: either we are caught in a shame cycle, and we feel we must shame ourselves, or we reject it because of trauma. So we say: “no. I know I can do better. I’m just not. Because I’m lazy. I’m stupid. I’m fat. I’m unworthy.” And on and on. But the truth is, if you’re not doing “better,” than it is because you are not ready. Sure, maybe it is because you’re “lazy,” or you don’t have enough information, or you’re too heavy to be fit, but most of those internal stories are judgment/value stories.

It’s All Mental

You say “lazy,” but the truth is, you lack the inspiration to do the thing you think you want to do. The problem isn’t actually that you’re lazy, which is a value statement, but that you’re uninspired. So it’s a mental shift that you need, not more action or more hard work. You simply have to dig into what it is you really want, and what you really want to do, then walk yourself through what you’re actually willing to do to get there. Like magic, you’ll find yourself inspired. The work is all mental.

Same goes for “fat.” Maybe you’re overweight, but that’s where you are, and only you know how you got there. No shame or judgment or reliving of past “mistakes” will help you lose weight. You have to first decide to love your body exactly as it is.

It is, after all, keeping you alive.

It takes you places. It enjoys your food. It kisses your loved ones. Your heart beats, and your lungs breathe in and out. Your brain is working a mile a minute right now.

Instead of deciding you want to lose weight, figure out if you want to be the kind of person who lives a healthy and fit life, regardless of what your body looks like. You want to be healthy and fit? Really healthy and fit? You want to sleep a full night, you want to eat healthy whole foods, you want to exercise every day, you want to drink lots of water. You either want to be that kind of person or you don’t. Be real with yourself. And know that whatever you decide is perfectly okay no matter what.

Same goes with being uninformed, or having more friends, or a different job, or or or.

As far as being unworthy, that requires a lot a lot a lot of serious internal mental and emotional work. That work demands you heal all the wounds that taught you you were unworthy. It demands you see yourself as your god sees you. It demands you allow yourself the same love you give to all the other people you love. The nice thing is you can do the self worth and self love work alongside anything and everything else you are doing, and it will enhance all that other work.

Trauma

The second reason people have so much trouble with the idea that each of us is doing the best we can with what we’ve got is that they instantly think of some evil villain. Some horrible person from their personal life or out in the world or in history.

“Really, Shanna!? Really?!” They say, in deep sarcasm. “Ted Bundy!? Ted Bundy was doing the best he could with what he had? Really?!”

Yep. Ted Bundy too.

And Adolf Hitler.

And Satan himself!

Yes, even the devil was doing the best he could with what he had to work with.

It’s crazy to think of, but if you can remove all shame and judgment from it, take away competition and comparison and the need to evaluate everything from a place of judgment, Adolf Hitler had traveled so far away from real love by the time he came to power that he genuinely believed in his murderous truth. He was twisted and perverted and had fallen so far from the grace we are all born with that he was capable of the worst crimes against humanity. And, yes, he honestly thought he was doing the best he could with what he had.

And in the end, what we think of ourselves is all that matters.

That was his truth, and he acted on it.

In terms of evolution of self, as a human, Hitler was in a downward spiral, a devolution if you will. And as he got further and further from love, he got uglier and uglier, lashing out in his own pain, pain caused by keeping himself separate from his inner guide, and he caused more and more pain to others.

This is obviously in no way a justification or even an apology for Hitler. It is an explanation. It is a way of seeing ourselves and each other. Choose anyone you want and this is true: this person is living the result of his or her truth and doing what he or she can within that truth. And the further away we get from real love, what most would call “God,” the more we are capable of truly atrocious acts.

I am not saying it is right. I am saying it is true.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, the point of compassion, mostly because I was unwilling.

Now, when you look at it this way, you see it only takes a mental shift in your thinking to become capable of all kinds of things, good or bad. This is why I love the expression “There but for the grace of God go I.” Because I always replace the word “god” with “love,” and it makes perfect sense. Without love, the worst things are possible. With love, the best things are possible. And with real action behind either one, the absence or presence of love, real horrors or real joys actually come to pass.

Evolution of the Self

So as I sat at my desk and cried for this client this morning, I looked down at my daughter, who was walking up to me for the fiftieth time of the day, singing some random baby babble song, holding her doll, and I thought, “No, I’m not rich yet. I’m not published and on speaking tours yet. I’m not even landing huge clients yet. But I’m here.”

I’m here.

I can sit down on the floor with my kids at any moment, run for a snack or take them off to the park. I can put them to bed or give them baths. And I can do it all without having to race them off to school or having to race out the door to work. I am in no rush. I am free to enjoy my life fully, each keystroke and each grilled cheese sandwich with the crusts cut off.

I work from home. I am a writer. From here, I can go literally anywhere. My possibilities are endless.

I was not here even a year ago.

I was not even close to here two years ago.

I have evolved, I am continuing to evolve, I am growing in grace and love, and I am overjoyed to be able not only to do so, but to be able to see myself doing so. I am wide awake to my journey and to the reality that, while I may not be where I want to be in the long run, I am working towards it in many ways, mentally, emotionally, and physically, and I really am enjoying the journey and living out loud in the short run.

Goal Setting and Disappointment

Of course I still get disappointed.

I set a goal for myself to make $200 a day, four days a week. I wrote this goal down a couple of weeks ago, so I could really pay attention to what I was doing and what I was making, particularly because I work so much for myself, on my own site, creating my own content that has absolutely no expectation of income. I figured if I make on average $50 an hour, and work on average 4 hours a day for clients, I could hit $200 a day and really enjoy three day weekends.

I have not hit the mark once. Not once. I have barely come close.

Of course, I started to beat myself up and feel pressured.

Did I mention I’m PMSing?

Then it hit me: this is brand new. This is a brand new goal. I just set it two weeks ago! And I’m raising two small kids who are here with me all day long. I’m also keeping my own writing fresh and alive, creating new content every day, making new friends online and in real life, growing communities online and in real life. None of that makes me any money, nor do I expect it to, and I have no intention of giving it up.

So yes, I’m going to have to be patient with myself. Maybe that means I will have to raise my hourly fee, maybe that means being more careful with what time I do have to work, maybe a lot of things. But for now, it’s only been two weeks, and I’m going to keep trying because I believe in myself. I believe that I am growing into the person who is totally capable of making $800 a week and only working 4 days a week. And that’s just a benchmark, just a short term goal.

I also know that the longer I sit in disappointment, the more I am holding myself back from seeing the possible avenue toward my goal. It’s like having success blinders on. No thanks.

Simultaneous and Continuous Evolution of Self

I have watched this kind of evolution of self for me in many ways recently. I am more easy going with my kids. I am able to recognize a potential fight with my husband before it happens. I have even stepped out into the world of politics a bit online and handled myself with love and light for the first time after more than a year out of the game.

Once I accepted that I am always and will always be growing, that the joy really is in the journey, and that the finish line is never the point, I was able to settle into each moment and each day with grace. I have begun to grow with, instead of against, my evolution of self.

It may sound strange, but at the very heart of all of this growth for me is self love.

I spent my whole life telling myself that I had to take care of everyone else. I felt selfish or lazy if I rested or if I wasn’t out “working hard.” I usually have many jobs, and I have spent years on a hamster wheel preoccupied with what it means to to “do the right thing” according to society or someone else – how to be successful, how to be thin, how to be in a relationship.

When the real truth is that success, joy, relationships, and even body shape and size, among so many other things, are all subjective to the individual. Your success may be much different from mine, and your body goal may be thin while mine is fit. You may need deep romance in a relationship while I need silly laughter and honest friendship.

I suppose after all, I am grateful for having been mostly left to my own devices throughout my childhood. Because I was not trained from an early age to obey, and because I actually did the opposite of what I was told, I have never been good at fitting in or conforming. So I really had to find my own way, and I finally after all this time have found my way to love.

Love is the key to my evolution of self.

And all of it is part of my happily ever after.