I am learning more and more that contrast is essential to the human experience, and that we get to decide how traumatized we allow ourselves to be by the contrasts we face every day. My miscarriage has mostly passed. I am dealing with the remnants of the loss and the shifting reality, but the worst is over. I did in fact miscarry a pregnancy. No fetus was ever present, which means, to me anyway, that I did not lose a baby. But I did lose the potential, the promise, of a baby, and one that I was just starting to get used to. I have been saying “I’m good,” since it all started. But this morning, for the first time, I began to realize that my “good” is not the same as my “great.”
I’m Not Great, and That’s Okay
I have also come to realize that I don’t have to be great all the time, and also that “not great” is not the same as devastated. I am not devastated by the miscarriage. It has been difficult to experience, and I am allowing myself my feelings, but I know I will get back to great: I can feel it.
In fact, as I have been seeking clarity within myself, wondering what my lessons from this experience are, where the good is, I have also realized that I will never be the same. That even though I will get back to great, it will not be the same as the great I had before. Yes it will even greater, but it will also be different.
I have been learning with ever greater clarity that moving forward means not going backward, that becoming the person I really want to become involves letting go of everything that could hold me apart from my future self, and that includes the me from before. I see more clearly than ever that whatever contrast we are experiencing in life, it is all ultimately for the good, and it always contributes to our growth.
Contrast is the dark and the light, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the joy and the trauma. With each trauma, large or small, I experience, I have the choice to stay inside that trauma, to live in it, to marinate in it, or to break, fall apart, and come back together stronger, brighter, and more clear. The new, healed version of me will never be the same as the me before the trauma. And that’s a good thing.
Parenting to Contrast
It has been interesting to experience my own contrast, the miscarriage, while also watching my children experience contrasts of their own.
Many people think homeschoolers keep their kids home to shelter them from pain and disappointment, and maybe that is why some, or many, parents do homeschool. However, that is absolutely not why I homeschool. I want Celaya to experience her own contrasts in life. I know she needs to learn from her experiences in the world, that she will grow as a result of those experiences, and that her growth will lead her to the next contrasting experience.
Contrast on our paths in life merely show us what we don’t want. We get to choose our paths as we live our lives and then we confront the contrasting experiences on the path we have chosen, which is to say, we also choose our contrasts.
Then, as we confront each contrast, we move through it, and we choose how deeply we dive into it. We can take on burdens and pain, carry them around with us along our path, or we can move through them, feel the contrasting feelings, and keep moving.
I also think, for me personally, and especially for my highly sensitive six year old, that young children are far too impressionable and vulnerable to be facing contrast alone, without a clear ally and guide, for 8 hours a day, five days a week, without losing (or blocking off) huge parts of their true, purely positive, magical nature.
So I Homeschool
I have been working on this with both Celaya and Matilda in their own age appropriate ways, as I have realized how important contrast is for myself.
Earlier in the week, Celaya had an experience wherein she was shut out of play with a group of boys. Because she is homeschooled, her friend options are much more limited than a traditionally schooled child’s would be. Sometimes, the group of kids she wants to play with is the only group of kids she will encounter that day.
This was the situation on this particular day. Four boys. That’s it. Two of the boys are friends of hers and the same age. And two of the boys are older by a few years, and fairly new to our group.
They clearly shut Celaya out, directed largely by the older boys, and I watched it happen. I let her have this experience because I think it is an important one for all kids to have.
What I did not do was rush in, guns blazing, yelling at the kids that they had to include my kid. I also did not walk over to the parents of the kids, one of whom was my friend, and ask them to step in.
I Let It Happen
Even as I was letting it happen, I knew I had to let it happen.
One of the most important truths I think all humans have to learn is that the only person we need to love us is us. And that in loving ourselves truly and deeply and unconditionally, we welcome love from others that comes racing in, never worrying about being accepted, included, or left out. Because there is always more love just around the corner.
Celaya is a people pleaser by nature. She wants to be liked, loved, included. A gigantic lesson in her life will be learning that she can serve others, love others, live a life of uplifting and helping other people, but that she does not need anyone else to like, love, or include her because she will always have herself.
Grateful for Contrast
So, yes, I was glad she had this experience, and I was able to recognize the big picture lesson in it as it was unfolding.
At the same time I am not homeschooling her to shelter her from negative experiences, I am homeschooling her to maintain some semblance of control over those experiences.
In a traditional school environment, Celaya would have huge potential to be bombarded by an onslaught of rejection, bullying, abused, and so much more, and not just by children but also by teachers.
Celaya is vulnerable in her deeply empathic loving nature, and raw, open, inexperienced and unguided vulnerability, in this world, attracts predators.
My job, as I see it, is to help Celaya accept herself for who she is, but also to be strongly confident in her love and empathy. At such a young, impressionable age, I can still guide her to own her natural energy and personality without her feeling that onslaught of ridicule and shame for her feelings and for her inherent empathy.
Contrast Within Contrast
I do not agree with the perspective that says we need to prepare children to be tough in a tough world. I believe, instead, that our job is to help them fully come into their natural power, and learn to control their energy, so that they will change and reshape the world through the act of consistently loving and being true to themselves.
It was a good lesson in working through contrast for Celaya. She felt her feelings, worked through them, and came out of it joyfully, with new insight and new tools for walking gracefully through this world of contrast.
What was so marvelous to me, in the big picture of it all, is that Celaya had this starkly contrasting experience as I was having my own inner contrasting experience, literally bleeding and suffering a miscarriage as I’m helping guide my daughter through rejection in the park.
I have already gained incredible insight and clarity through my own personal experience, and I can easily say that this is the first time I have been able to have an experience like this where I can see it through a sort of dual perspective: human and spirit.
Human and Spirit
The human part of me feels pain and loss, cries and suffers, heals and rejoices, gains in strength and compassion.
The spirit part of me is in big picture mode, always. And for the first time I can see my human life through the eyes of my spirit. Spirit vision makes sense of expressions like “this too shall pass.” Spirit sight helps me see that there is no blame, shame, or criticism to be had through any of my experiences. Spirit wisdom helps me look forward with joy, understanding that the darkest times are always leading to the brightest of times. There will always be two sides of the stick; my job is to see the one side, and choose (and focus intently on) the other.
It also helps me control my energy, remaining calm and at peace in times of turmoil, and if there’s anything I’ve have learned as a mother and the head of a very active and engaged household, it is that my energy sets the tone for all the other energy in my house.
These last two weeks have made this reality more clear to me than any other: when my house is in chaos, it is because I am in chaos. The very second that I call my power back to me and recover control over my own energy, returning to a calm and peaceful state, my entire household follows.
Like Magic
I can take that lesson forward with me through the rest of my life. My immediate surroundings, especially those people who are directly influenced by me, but including anyone else who comes into my space, is influenced by my energy. And that my energy is exponentially more powerful when it is positive. Also, my energy is the only thing I ever have any control over. Period.
It is those kinds of lessons I will always look forward to in contrast. It is those kinds of lessons that lead me through “good” and back to “great.”
Like magic.
You are so inspiring! Thank you so much for your words and sharing about your life!
thank you thank you thank you!
I love the truthfulness of your posts. The decisions you have made in regards to homeschooling are some of the best I’ve ever heard. I wish the option had been more available when my daughter was growing up because I truly feel – like you – that I could have help her learn herself way better than she did in school. Good for you!
yay! Thank you!
Great insight and perspective. Thanks for sharing!
Beautiful post! So much depth.
so many insights here, thank you for sharing
It’s important to go through challenges in life and learn from them. It’s hard seeing your child go through them but they will come out stronger for it. Kudos for allowing your daughter to experience the process.
Wow great insight and love your quotes.
I sent this link to my daughter…I think she will find so much to value in your words. Thank you for always being so vulnerable yet strong at the same time.
I home schooled my daughter for 5 years after she was bullied by both kids and teachers because she had a speech problem. One of my best decisions.
It is so true. Positivity is much more powerful and contagious!
Ugh! The rejection as a parent is SO hard to watch and not intervene. I just want to jump in and yell at the kids to just BE NICE. But I know that is not the way the world works and my daughter too needs to realize that. It’s hard though. Good job mom!
This post contains a lot of wisdom. Thank you for sharing your story.
Great points! Thanks for sharing your perspectives. These experiences are a great lessons to others!
I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage, Shanna. Much love to you.
Wow this is so inspiring! Parenting is hard, and I have to remind myself that actually sitting down for a meal without interruptions is not selfish.
Once again, you take us on an emotional journey with you. I’m sorry to hear about your loss, but you seem to be taking steps forward daily (and okay with taking a few steps back every once in awhile if needed ~ kudos to you for that). I also admire how you share your thoughts and authentic experiences and own them with confidence and courage.
I love the openness and honesty of your posts. The way you recognize your children’s individual spirits and try to honor them is inspiring.
So many great things about your post. Thank you for sharing.
Very honest post. I too agree that we can’t shelter children, but we can as homeschool parents guide them into learning how to make friends that will be good and positive relationships. Not perfect, but of value.
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