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I Am An Atheist.
How does an atheist end up in church? I am an atheist; I make no apologies for it. It took a lot of thought before I said it for the first time.
I do not believe in God.
That is, after all, what it means to be an atheist. I do not believe in God.
Once, when I was still calling myself agnostic, I heard a compelling debate on Intelligence Squared that pushed me over the edge into atheism.
Agnostic means you don’t know if there is a god. People who are religious believe in God. The scholar in this debate argued that if atheism means you don’t believe, and agnosticism means you don’t know, you must admit that not knowing is akin to not believing. You have to believe to believe. If you don’t believe, then, you don’t believe. Therefore, you are an atheist.
“Ah. Okay.” I thought. “That makes sense.”
I’m an atheist.
I also stopped saying I’m spiritual, long before I stopped saying I’m agnostic.
Because what the hell does that even mean? I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual? Super vague.
But I do believe.
I believe in love; I believe in community; I believe sugar gets you more results than vinegar, so I believe in the power of positivity. And yes, I believe we control our own destinies. We make a series of choices, and if we make them with open hearts and open minds, we can direct our paths.
I Want to a Spell to Change My Fate
Recently, I have opened myself up to this concept of controlling my own fate, a la Merida of the clan Dunbroch. Part of that opening involves saying yes to everything that feels right on this path. Here’s how that led me to church:
My mother raised me in the church of the Science of the Mind. This church, for those of you who don’t know, preaches essentially what we think of today as the Law of Attraction. Rhonda Byrnes’ The Secret really brought these ideas into the mainstream.
My mother brought these ideas into our house when I was five. She found the church after she divorced my dad, and she brought it home with her. She bought the magazines; we went to Sunday school; the whole nine.
So I grew up believing in the infinite power of the mind, my own power, and the power of positivity, of manifesting my own destiny.
I Have
I have created the life I wanted. Most of it is exactly as I want it (my husband, my education, my children, the work I do), some of it (my writing) include areas I could focus on more intentionally.
But recently, I discovered this burning desire to dig into the practitioners of peace, positivity, and the law of attraction, source energy, you name it. Because of my desire, I want to understand the foundations behind the teachings, the literature, and the practices. I want to understand what motivates these people, what makes them successful, and I can learn from that to help others in my own way, with my own voice.
I was sitting in the playground, telling my mom friend about this journey I’m on, and I started naming names of people whose messages I want to explore and study more.
“Marianne Williamson, Carolyn Miss, Rhonda Byrnes, Ernest Holmes…” I begin.
“Michael Bernard Beckwith.” She puts in.
“Who?” I ask.
“He was in The Secret. Black guy. Dreds.”
“Yes! I remember him!” I say, excited. And I type his name into my notes on my phone.
Here is where things get… mystical, if you will.
Two days later, I am in with my baby while she naps, quietly scrolling through Facebook, and I see the name again as it scrolls up my feed: “Michael Bernard Beckwith. Speaking December 2 in Oakland.”
“No. Way.” I think. No way.
I haven’t heard this man’s name in years. Years. Now here he is, speaking 15 minutes from my house in two weeks.
But, I didn’t have my credit card, and my baby sleeps better with me next to her. I stayed where I was, and I made a mental note to check out the speech again later.
Mystical.
The very next morning, I was scrolling through Instagram, and someone I follow posts a very cool motivational quote, and I read through it and then see the name at the bottom: “Michael Bernard Beckwith.”
Well that did it.
I went on and found the event and bought the tickets to see him speak.
In a church.
An Atheist in Church
“To all my religious friends, please pray for me. I am going to church today to see Michael Bernard Beckwith speak, and I may spontaneously combust upon entry. Talk to God for me, k?”
This is my Facebook post the morning I left for the event.
I nursed Matilda and left the house, waiting one more minute as Celaya ran out for “one more kiss!”
I drove to Oakland and walked up to this glorious, well cared for church with a huge banner hanging outside that announced: “Black Lives Matter.”
“My kind of place.” I thought.
I went into the church, and it was exactly as I had remembered my mother’s church in Fremont. People of all ages and skin colors gathered together, talking, laughing, real. I sat next to a nice looking white man a bit older than me who asked me what brought me there. We exchanged stories, both enchanted by the law of attraction.
A red headed white woman came in and sat next to me, asking which church I typically attend.
“I don’t attend church. I’m an atheist.” I responded, blankly.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay! Oh um, okay!” I could see her eye twitching visibly.
What to do with me, they all wonder. What to do with me.
Dancing, Swaying, Holding Hands
Then the music began. A short, older black woman in a nice dress with an awesome voice began singing about God and getting closer to God. “My only purpose in life is God.” She sang out, her voice reverberating around the room.
The audience got up and clapped, danced, sang along.
I got up, clapped, and didn’t sing along.
One of the big problems I have with attending even new age churches is the dancing, swaying, and holding hands. I’m here to listen to a powerful message. I don’t need to sing about a god I don’t believe in.
But I get that many do. Many enjoy this part.
So I go with it. And when I hear “God,” I just think, “positive energy.”
“My only purpose in life is positive energy.” Yes, that works for me.
45 minutes after the event began, Michael Bernard Beckwith took the floor.
Everything I Hoped For
The man is an amazing speaker. He addressed the age of Trump we are living in, sexual assault, black lives matter, you name it, he spoke on it.
He spoke on highly political topics in a way that gave me hope I could do something to change them.
“A new paradigm is coming.” He said. “And the old paradigm never gives up without a fight.”
That makes sense to me. It is logical.
I love about this thinking that it is logical. Logical it is indeed to say it is pointless to worry and wonder at the past or the future, or even the present. It is logical to say “live now.”
Live In the Now
He told us to remember that everything you see is part of the past, everything around you is something that someone else created. That you are here not to merely live in a world that someone else created, but to create something new.
He told us that the feminine energy is on the rise, that females are coming into their own powerful, unafraid, female voices.
“Yes!” I found myself saying, feeling like I was a congregant in a Baptist church. I fell just short of shouting out “Praise Jesus, Hallelujah!”
Just short.
The man made sense. I went to his speech, in a church, for the message that my path told me he would deliver. He delivered it.
We have all been trained in the tradition of the status quo, and once we realize we aren’t here for that, we aren’t here to bow to someone else’s rules, rules that don’t even make sense to use, we become enlightened. I want to be enlightened. More enlightened.
Enlightenment
In the end, I left before they began to sing again, and I walked away with enlightenment, exactly what I was hoping for. I feel more awake, more clear, more prepared to do the work I have been called to, and more excited to do it.
Dr. Beckwith is an amazing speaker, and he inspired me to live life fully embracing the law of attraction, the science of mind, the positive energy around me. He inspired me to continue my journey through enlightenment.
And so I will.
But I probably won’t be going back to church anytime soon.
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