Really late.
I’ve opened my last bottle of wine.
I’ve grabbed my bag of truffles.
It’s after midnight.
I’m up late.
Why?
Because I’m forty years old, and I’m transitioning to a completely new phase of my life. I’m leaving behind old and welcoming in new, and it is mostly lovely and glorious and amazing and uplifting.
And it’s sometimes scary and painful and anxiety ridden and awful.
I usually sleep like a baby, but tonight I tossed and turned until I finally had to get up and do the things that instantly make me feel better: red wine, chocolate, and writing. Catharsis.
Transition periods are never easy, and this one is huge.
Big Difference
I was just asked the other night at my women’s circle what I was like before I entered this new phase of life a little over a year ago. She didn’t know me then.
“Like this.” I said. “I was like this. Except I fought a lot more.”
A lot of people who knew me before I turned 39 and began the slow and steady work of upending every single aspect of my life expected to find me dramatically different after not having seen me in person for a while.
Then, they find, to their the surprise, that I’m still Shanna.
Likewise, people who didn’t know me before, the awesome friends I have made in the last year, can’t imagine a Shanna different from the one before them, advocating self love and a judgment free existence.
And in many ways, I am still the same me. I have the same shock value sense of humor. I still laugh out loud with my head thrown back. I still believe that Black Lives Matter, that love is love, that all people deserve to have their basic needs met. I am still an advocate for total equality.
But whereas before I would go out into the world and seek people to argue with, “wrong minded” people who I could disagree with in the hopes I could reason with them, logic them to death, fight the good fight of social justice and win, now I go out into the world and seek more people to love, I look for new ways to love old friends and new friends to love in big and small ways. I am free of anger and self righteousness, free of regret and shame, free of fear for and of the world. I have found a freedom I didn’t know was possible simply by letting go of so much that weighed me down.
The Upside of the Transition
The glory of it all is that I am a more patient, more open mother, even more willing to simply be a guide than I was before, and I was already pretty damn open. My marriage is stronger than ever. I look for ways to find compassion for my husband. I put his shoes on my feet and breathe his breathe when I used to just bitch and pick and pull him apart for not living up to my every single expectation, so angry that he wasn’t as perfect as I was.
I have found incredible creative outlets through my writing, both for myself and for others. I have met amazing clients who pay me to do rewarding work. One year ago I found and took one job for a man who ran a survivalist website and paid me two cents a word to write about things like the best socks for hunting and the best underwear for guys with big thighs.
Two days ago I got to write a brand story for a church based in love and faith that reaches out to everyone in its community without shame or criticism to help them live their best life through God’s love. The work came straight from my heart, took me about an hour, and I got paid $75.
Best of all, my clients are my friends.
I can now say, without any reservations, that I am a freelance writer.
Amazing.
It has all been amazing.
I have finally, after forty years of life and more than twenty years as an adult living on my own and taking care of myself that I have a damaged relationship with both food and finances. This has been a big step for me. I have always hidden my two crappiest relationships, handed down to me through generations of women just barely getting by financially and turning to food to remedy all ills.
I’m still struggling to tear down old habits and rebuild new ones from scratch, but I do have confidence that I’ll get there. Because I want to, and I always get what I want.
There are just so many positives to my transition.
The Dark Side of the Transition
Damn it. There’s just gotta be a dark side, huh?
Yes. There does. This too, I have come to terms with. We simply cannot have light without dark. There will always be the shitty parts that let you know where you don’t want to go. The real work here is to recognize the shit, see it for what it is, something you don’t want, and turn away.
And mostly, I’m good at this.
I can talk myself, run myself, sleep myself, and yoga myself out of the crazy negative thoughts swirling in my head.
“What if I never do better than this?” “What if it’s all a fluke, and I’ve only been pretending to be a great writer?” “What if I’m not good enough to ever give speeches and step on a stage with a microphone?” “What if I have done all this and I let everyone down?”
Yep, even I get the crazy talk in my head.
And yes, most of the time, I, Ms. I Can Do Anything, just say “oh don’t be stupid” and I move on.
But sometimes it all gets so overwhelming that I can’t sleep, I can’t soothe myself, and I have to come out to my desk and write it all down.
Why It Gets Dark
I’ve come to realize that the real dark times come when I’ve had too many weeks of not taking care of myself. I’m at the tail end of a six week downward spiral, and even though I’m coming out of it now because I finally recognize what I did to get myself into it (more on that in my next piece on “asking for help!”), the vibration is still playing out in my life.
And once an energetic vibration gets a hold of you, because you let it get too far, you enter a cycle of sorts. The cycle of bad relationships, the cycle of lack, the cycle of negativity, the cycle of worry. It could be anything.
Much worse than all of the regular crazy talk in my head is the single thought “what if I never figure it out?”
Essentially, what if I never get out of this transition? What if I never break this cycle, and it plays out endlessly until I die?
What if I never figure it out?
And this is why writing is so cathartic. Because even as I sit here writing these dark and worrying questions that keep me up at night, looking at them written out on the screen before me turn them into a physical boogey man I can confront and let go of.
I know much better than this. I know that the worry I have is all an illusion. I know that if it gets really dark and I can’t find a positive way out that I will create some sort of explosion that will provide me with the relief I needed all along. The explosion will be temporarily painful but something I will be grateful for in the long run.
And this is the benefit of getting older and wiser. I can look back at how things have always worked out for me in the past.
I ran away from home at 15 after a physical fight with my stepdad. I got myself fired from the corporate management job I hated. I cheated on my first husband to break myself out of the prison of a loveless marriage. I had a horrible breakup with a deeply romantic and obviously bad for me relationship. Explosions explosions explosions.
But with time and wisdom comes recognition and self awareness, and along with all of those come the tools.
Transitional Toolbox
Now, I have tools to walk myself out of the cycle before it gets so bad that everything explodes. Now I have children and a husband to think about. Now I would prefer not to have an explosion, thank you very much.
Walking myself out of a downward spiral like the one I’m in now – a miscarriage, followed by food poisoning, followed by a house full of sick kids and mama, followed by fire laden poisonous air outside, followed by sexual assault while running on the street – is not easy, but it is actually really fun once I can get myself into it.
Running brings me instant endorphins. Eating healthy food that fuels my body makes me feel physically cleansed. Spending undivided attention time with loved ones fills me with gratitude and love. Reading good literature and writing for myself satisfy my thirst for knowledge and a creative outlet. Going to the movies gives me some escapism. Cleaning my house provides me with the domestic routine I crave. Walking barefoot outside connects me to the earth and grounds me in the safe knowledge that the universe does indeed always have my back. Taking a hot bubble bath with a good book and a glass of wine in a clean, candlelit, saged house makes me feel complete at the end of a week.
Those are just a few of my own personal tools.
And I am secure in the comforting truth that a consistent formula will give me consistent results, and that I am doing the best I can with what I’ve got.
This transition will end. There will indeed be a glorious light at the end of this tunnel. And I’ll have just enough time to enjoy that new phase before I transition once more. Because that growth and expansion make up so much of what life is all about.
In the meantime, I’ll use my tools, I’ll listen to my soul, and I’ll love myself along the way, no matter what.
And if, in the end, I create an explosion because that’s the only way out, so be it.
I’ll still live happily ever after.
I always do.
Transitions are so hard. It is very important to have a good mindset during them. And it seems like you do!
Ill be turning 40 in 13 mos. Slowly learning to embrace aging. I go back and forth between resistance and acceptance. I know eventually the acceptance will take over because I have learned that acceptance is the answer to all my “problems”. Once it stops being a”problem” in my head, acceptance is easy. Thanks for the read.
Great post, truthful and I get you for sure! 44 this year an Irish/Italian NYer transplant in fast-paced life I used to shoot from the hip. Now self-employed and nothing really bothers me anymore, much happier in this place. Still have a wicked sense of humor though! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Really great writing! I always enjoy your posts and love your openness. Though I didn’t know you before and only know you now through your writing – I personally love the person you are simply because you love her. Keep doing what your doing!
Wow! I love these words. Thank you so much!
Great article! Transitions can be hard. You have found some great tools. Thank you for sharing!
I love transistions! Yes they are difficult … there is usually a rainbow on the other side!
I smiled as I read this because I’m quite a bit older than you and still going through transitions and questioning what I’m doing…I appreciate the reminder that they are the part of life that builds upon what I have already created and hones what I’m to become.
yes! Always growing always moving through!
Transitions are hard! I’m almost 43 and this new stage in life has been harder than I thought. I’ve found some tools as well and running is one of them. Connection with other women of our same age has proven to be amazing for me as well. And same minded, I don’t try to change anybody any longer. Thanks for sharing!
yes! Isn’t interesting how with each transition we bring in new people and let go of old, and how our relationships with the ones who stick around changes too? We’re riding the waves!
I loved 40! It was a really good year. I think the world makes it look like it is the end of something, but it really was the beginning. Hope you have an awesome year and continue on your path.
Having the right tools during a transition period is crucial. Right now, I’m adjusting to work at home mom life with a newborn, in addition to my toddler. It’s only been a week, so I’m still figuring it out 😕
oh I’ve been there! Yea just enjoy it as much as you can and love yourself even when you don’t enjoy it.
I always admire how eloquently and positively you address the dark side to our internal self speak. It helps to know whatever is happening you’ll get through, and you recognize and enjoy the process better than I usually do!
thank you!
I love new seasons! Even though they can be tough I trust that there is something better for me in them!
Thank you for this honest post. Transitions are tough. I have been through many and I made it. Just look for the rainbow.
Transitions are hard! You are an excellent writer!
Each phase in life has different challenges. I think wine and chocolate are a great way to help cope. That and talking to great friends 🙂
yes!
Transitions have been my way of life for over two decades. Whether it was moving, a new health condition among the boys, something family related or simply something going inside….I know those dark days and plusses all too well. Hang in there. I’m half way through my 40s and it isn’t half bad. I am determined to make this decade work for me and my family ~ and it is all about mindset.
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Like all anabolic steroids, Anavar injectable carries
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In medical settings, even sedentary males have experienced constructive adjustments.
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Be sure to talk with a physician before starting any new complement
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The greatest testosterone esters are Testosterone Enanthate or Testosterone Cypionate, with once-weekly injections.
PCT may be normal Clomid for 20 days – first 10
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Few steroids may have us closely looking at each male and female cycles, however Anavar is an exception. You should not count on significant muscle positive aspects – Anavar just isn’t a bulking steroid, however it could possibly promote
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Anavar, also identified as Oxandrolone, is an artificial
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Initially developed in the 1960s, Anavar was primarily used
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Know that the burden might be easier to take off in the six months to a 12 months after you discontinue steroids.
When we examine Anavar to other steroids, it’s considered gentle, but in reality, it could possibly still have substantial effects (both constructive and negative) at greater doses (more on that below).
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Whereas it might not be strictly necessary, it does decrease your threat of growing any complications that could make them an issue for your overall well being.
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These are the gadgets that were lacking from A-Max 50, a lot to its detriment.
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Even at low doses, it might possibly assist keep
or even barely increase muscle mass. So, you
may discover that your muscles aren’t only wanting leaner but additionally
feeling stronger and denser. Anavar influences bodybuilding
significantly by offering a myriad of benefits. In the ultimate stretch of the
4-week cycle, though shorter than the extra in depth
cycles, feminine athletes may anticipate an enhancement of their total bodily performance.
Anavar’s earlier than and after impacts in a 4-week period are normally marked by heightened
energy ranges, improved energy, and a boost to muscular endurance.
The adjustments in physique composition, however,
could be less pronounced as in comparison with
the transformations seen during a extra extended cycle.
Some frequent unwanted effects embrace liver
toxicity, acne, hair loss, and increased cholesterol levels.
There are several dietary supplements and steroids obtainable within the bodybuilding subject which could be used to acquire excellent results.
Despite the reality that Anavar doesn’t trigger significant weight acquire, it does significantly increase energy.
This might be plenty of fun for ladies who get pleasure from heavy lifting and wish to enhance
their private records on large lifts. Anavar can be an effective fats
burner because of its capacity to increase T3 ranges in the body.
Though this will not seem like a serious issue, ladies
who’ve had a period have reported feeling much worse and having a lower libido.
Ladies are advised to cycle Anavar for only 4-6 weeks to minimize back the danger
of virilization throughout the cycle. Anavar has earned the nickname “girl steroid” amongst athletes as a
end result of its widespread use amongst women.
Is fairly obvious that there’s nothing that can prove how
good a compound works by checking the photographs, however, is all
the time a good thing to read the reviews and testimonials.
For non-competitive bodybuilders, we don’t see HGH being
definitely price the danger, with it solely producing gentle to reasonable outcomes.
However, many steroids do require PCT because
of vital injury to the HPTA axis. HGH doesn’t trigger androgenic results, as there isn’t any 5α-reductase
conversion of testosterone into DHT.
Anavar is primarily used as a cutting steroid, so if a woman’s goal is
to build huge quantities of muscle, other steroids could be extra beneficial (such as Anadrol).
Muscle positive aspects shall be reasonable, helping to subtly increase muscularity,
without wanting cumbersome. A simple definition of virilization is when women start to look
and sound more like a person, including extreme physique hair progress, voice deepening, and other antagonistic effects.
Nonetheless, it is essential to observe that the usage of any anabolic steroid
carries dangers and should be approached with caution. As
you continue to make use of Anavar, you’ll discover that your results will proceed to
improve until you attain the four-week mark. At this level, you
probably can count on to witness probably the
most remarkable modifications in your physique, together with seen enhancements in muscle size and definition.
Combined with food regimen and strength coaching and the results might
be more spectacular in comparability with simply taking anavar or other banned steroids.
One of essentially the most frequent complaints
with anavar is the muscles you gain don’t final, especially when you’re done with the cycle.
For athletes and bodybuilders, the restoration time between exercises is crucial as a outcome of it determines how much exercises you’ll be capable of do.
That being stated there are potential side effects which we have
to look into, and we’re additionally going to reply the query whether anavar steroid or Anvarol is simpler.
Ostarine demonstrates potent anabolic properties in women, mixed with a gentle facet effect profile.
Therefore, we consider Ostarine to be among the most efficacious SARMs for enhancing physique composition in females.
My factor with Ostarine is that I had wonderful power positive
aspects during my cycle, however post-cycle, I lost
most of it.
It also finds in depth use in promoting restoration from extreme burns and injuries.
Moreover, it is recognized for its capacity to improve bone density in sufferers with osteoporosis and speed up development in children with progress
problems. Nonetheless, it is essential to notice that Oxandrolone should be administered beneath cautious medical supervision to reduce potential dangers and adverse results.
Having more than 20mg per day is not just unnecessary as a outcome
of it doesn’t result in any additional gains.
On the opposite, a higher dose tends to extend the danger of unwanted effects.
When a feminine takes Clenbuterol at excessive doses for prolonged
intervals, the hazard of these life-changing unwanted effects
creating will increase. This is an important cause girls must
maintain their Clenbuterol dosage as little as potential.
We can still get an total concept of all of the attainable side effects reported by those utilizing
Clen for bodybuilding and competitors functions. If you’re already
an anabolic steroid consumer, you can anticipate Clen’s side effects to be very completely different
from what you’re used to with steroids. Clen is a wholly different kind of compound, so
it acts in a very different means than steroid hormones.
A widespread rip-off we see is for methandrostenolone (Dianabol) to switch oxandrolone, as it’s cheaper to produce.
This poses additional dangers for girls,
as their probability of experiencing virilization is high because of Dianabol.
Nevertheless, such stacking will enhance the chance of masculinization whereas exacerbating cholesterol and
endogenous testosterone levels. The advice is that the dose is slowly
elevated over about two weeks, followed by a break and then a
continuation of the cycle if you select to continue.
This happens with out the loss of muscle that can so usually happen when you’re on a calorie-restricted food regimen during a cutting phase.
Once you reach a extra advanced stage with
Clenbuterol, you’ll be assured in including more highly effective compounds.
At this stage, you must already be an experienced anabolic steroid consumer, because the more substances you mix, the greater the juggling act you’ll have when coping with unwanted side
effects. Females usually use Clenbuterol; mostly female celebrities have made Clen famous for its fat-loss talents.
The standard protocol applies to gradually growing your Clenbuterol dose all through the cycle, normally by 10mcg each two to three
days.
One Other constructive effect that you want to expertise during your first
cycle is that you’ll expertise a greater blood move to the working muscle along with
more muscle water retention. Whereas bodybuilders earlier than and
after steroids may look quite totally different,
much of the muscle mass may be maintained. Nonetheless, how
much muscle you’ll achieve will depend on how nicely your physique responds to lifting weights and steroid cycles.
If you haven’t lifted weights before, you can count on to add
roughly 20lbs of lean mass (newbie gains), even without juicing.
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It definitely just isn’t as powerful as different medicine,
particularly at decrease doses.
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Lots of girls describe what is seems like administering Anavar / Oxandrolone and
what they noticed. Reading a person’s experience with the compound is one thing really important as you know
what to anticipate. There are “Anavar feminine before and after” stories, testimonials and reviews too.
With the best food regimen and exercise plan, Anavar may help women achieve their health objectives sooner and more efficiently.
Sustaining a day by day dosage of 10 milligrams minimizes the chance of masculinization side effects.
Moreover, people who discover themselves concerned concerning the negative effects of steroid use are more
inclined to make the most of anavar due to the lowered dangers.
Stanozolol, commonly generally identified as Winstrol, is a well-liked anabolic
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They are additionally not very hepatotoxic, which means they can be utilized for
longer durations at a time. There had been no
dosage instructions specific to ladies when Anavar was first released.
The only caution was that pregnant ladies should refrain from utilizing the drug.
Bodybuilders generally take a dose of Anavar forty five minutes earlier than a
exercise, resulting in a constructive effect on motivation, energy ranges, and focus.
In addition to muscle and strength improvements, Anavar has been reported to increase bone
density and assist in recovery. These components contribute to its recognition among athletes on the lookout for a
competitive edge. Always prioritize responsible use, educate yourself about potential risks and precautions, and seek professional steering to ensure a safe and effective Anavar cycle.
Anavar additionally has a fat-burning impact, as it could increase metabolic
rate and target visceral fats. By increasing metabolism, it
promotes the breakdown of saved fats, aiding in weight loss and contributing to a extra defined,
leaner physique. Another essential mechanism of Anavar is its ability to improve nitrogen retention.
There is a noticeable surge in each power and endurance within the first two weeks of
starting the Anavar cycle. Despite its mild nature, it is
essential to follow an applicable training regimen and preserve a
correct food plan to acquire optimal outcomes while minimizing potential side effects.
In addition to SERMs, supportive supplements may be considered during
PCT to assist preserve overall well being
and facilitate the restoration process.
Determining the right dosage of Anavar is essential for
maximizing its benefits whereas minimizing potential unwanted effects.
For male athletes and bodybuilders, the typical dosage ranges from 20
to 100 mg per day. Beginners are suggested to begin on the lower finish of
this range to assess tolerance, progressively rising the dose
as their body adapts.
Anvarol may help you to train more durable and longer than earlier than, resulting in amplified muscle development and faster gains in strength and dimension. Anavar, regardless
of being an oral steroid, isn’t probably the most liver-toxic
anabolic steroid. This is as a result of kidneys
processing much of the compound, and thus TUDCA can reduce strain on the organ. The solely
primary benefit Anavar has over Winstrol, apart from its safety profile, is that it’s more suitable for girls to take.
Anavar is low-risk for inflicting virilization unwanted effects in females, whereas Winstrol’s danger is significantly greater.
Anadrol may be very estrogenic, so cycling this steroid at the aspect of a
high-sodium food plan is a recipe for water retention and
clean muscles.
Additionally, because propionate injections are known to be
painful, bodybuilders can opt for a unique ester. As the curtain falls on this discussion,
the takeaway message is that Oxandrolone can certainly be a big addition to your fitness regime.
But, its affect heavily depends in your private commitment to staying energetic and leading a wholesome way of
life. When taking this substance, undertake a perspective in the direction of your health goals that treasures the process, not simply the end
result. Your results will be the sum of every wholesome alternative made, every rigorous exercise,
and each dedication to your wellbeing.
Anavar, despite not inflicting mega amounts of weight achieve, causes
a really noticeable improve in strength. This may be quite enjoyable for ladies who like
lifting heavy and want to beat their PR’s on big lifts.
On the flip aspect, in case your cortisol ranges drop considerably,
you’ll have the ability to expect enhanced fat burning…and that’s
precisely what Anavar does. By anti-glucocorticoid, which means it reduces cortisol levels considerably.
By Way Of its impact on metabolism and lipolysis, Oxandrolone aids in the breakdown of stored body fat, significantly in stubborn areas.
Simultaneously, it safeguards muscle tissue from catabolism, enabling people to attain a more outlined and ripped
physique. In analysis, we have seen clenbuterol demonstrate strong anabolic results in animals, significantly rising skeletal muscle mass while reducing fats (1).
Oxandrolone, most commonly known as Anavar, performs a significant
role in bodybuilding. It’s one steroid with a broad application, utilized by
bodybuilders for numerous purposes across their health journey.
Many even think about it as part of their secret toolkit
to achieving the perfect physique. Switching to male users,
many guys begin with a 20mg every day Anavar dosage earlier than increasing this quantity throughout
a cycle. Here’s one thread the place a man asks about a average dosage of Anavar, and is told that 40-60mg each
day is nice.
Components corresponding to age, gender, body weight, and previous expertise with
anabolic compounds should be taken into consideration. Consulting with a healthcare skilled or skilled
health advisor is highly really helpful to tailor the duration and dosage to
your particular needs. Moreover, it is crucial to prioritize correct nutrition, common exercise,
and sufficient relaxation in the course of the cycle
to optimize results and minimize potential risks.
Combining Anavar with a balanced food regimen and an appropriate
coaching program can yield constructive results on muscle
definition, energy, and general physique. This is as a end result
of Anavar can suppress pure testosterone manufacturing, and mixing it with exogenous testosterone
may help mitigate this impact. However, it’s necessary to remember that including testosterone to the combination can improve the
risk of unwanted aspect effects, notably if the dosage is simply too excessive.
Anavar, also called Oxandrolone, is a well-liked anabolic steroid that’s typically used to enhance athletic performance, construct muscle, and improve endurance.
References:
steroids without lifting
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