When In Doubt: Put It All Away and Sleep

I am busy. I have a lot on my plate. There have been other periods in my life like this: finals in college; working three jobs at a time in my twenties; teaching at three different locations the summer I got pregnant with Celaya. But those periods were always temporary and short lived. I always looked forward to the days I would get to just sit and veg out again. I enjoy my downtime. But these past few months have been busier than any other time in my life. And the biggest thing I miss: sleep.

I’m Busy

I have never liked to say “I’m busy.” Americans are always so “busy” that “busy” starts to feel like a status symbol. “I’m busy” becomes the default. We all understand each other. We are busy. America makes us busy. Insists we are busy. Other cultures laugh at us for how “busy” we are with our thirty minute lunches at our desks and our 5 hours of sleep at night. I like to say “my life is full.” “I had a full day.” And I try to keep myself in balance. But to say to you now with a five year old, a ten month old, a part time job I am dedicated to, and a full time writing career I am launching, “No! I am not busy; my life is full” would be disingenuous.

“It’s okay to slow down.” My sister said via text tonight. 

And while I would normally agree with her one hundred percent, I’m a big proponent of “you don’t have to do it all right now,” this period in my life is different. I am in a place where I simply cannot slow down. To bow out of groups I am in or communities I am forming or the writing I am doing would be to drift into irrelevance. And I have come so far in such a short time, that I know I must continue.

I am building something, essays upon essays that lead to more ideas and essays and hopefully a book outline soon; reading other budding writers and writers with decades of experience; growing communities of strong women; all of these things are elements of momentum. Slowing down right now would be death to progress. There will not be time to slow down for a long time to come if I have my way.

And obviously I cannot bow out of my kids’ lives anymore than I already do. I certainly cannot sacrifice the little precious time I have with my husband.

What To Do What To Do

So I will drink more coffee (if my kid doesn’t steal it all). And work toward fitting exercise back into my daily routine (where? I’ll figure that out.) I will find a little more time for my hubby, and more space will open up when Matilda is comfortable sleeping through the night in her own bed in her own room. (Bye Felicia!)

All of these things I will do, and I will keep it all together, and I will rise, because that’s what we do, women with big dreams, we rise.

But there are two things that I will absolutely do and I will do them now, and I will no longer compromise on them because without them I cannot do anything else, at least not the way I want to.

Sleep

First, I will sleep. I am a woman looking forty square in the eye, and for thirty four years I slept 8 to 9 hours a night. Every night. I missed a year of that after Celaya was born, but once she got settled into her own bed in her own room, I got back to my nice long nights of sleep with a few exceptions (sick kid, late nights visiting with family, etc.) And now I am looking at the end of Matilda’s infancy, and I miss my sleep. My kids can get out of my bed at night. They are welcome to come back in for snuggles (and to drive me crazy) in the morning.

I usually look at myself in the mirror, and I like what I see, fresh skin, bright eyes, rested posture. I like seeing a well slept woman. I am at my best when I am rested. A better mom, better wife, better writer, better woman.

I will sleep; I will make the time. In fact, this day 6 essay of my 31 days of writing will be shorter than my usual essays so I can go brush my teeth and go to sleep. I’m shooting for a full 8 tonight. And I will aim for 7 to 8 hours every night from now on.

I cannot possibly build a successful writing career, be the woman, wife, and mama I want to be with half a brain. And when I go too many nights without good sleep, I lose half my brain. And I’m not alone; it was actually a KQED Forum discussion the other night that prompted this reminder for me.

Ask For Help

The second thing I will do, the other thing I have gotten really good at, that is essential to my success in any area of my life, is ask for help.

And that, is a topic worthy of its own essay, so you will have to wait for tomorrow’s essay for my thoughts on the importance of asking for help.

For now, I’m going to sleep.

Goodnight.