Every single finals week for the past five years, Celaya, an already emotional child, becomes high strung and irrational. Her eyes well up with tears, her voice begins to crack, and her head will hang down at the unlikeliest of slights. I know quite well that I am raising an empath. I have seen her sensitive, serious observational personality from the very beginning. And it is one major reason I am homeschooling.
Emotionally Unleashed
“That’s it Celaya! You got it!” Says my mom friend Dennie, in the park today. She had been showing Celaya how to swing on her own, the same way she taught her twin boys, two of Celaya’s best friends.
She pushed Celaya forward, then back, showing her how to angle her body.
I was pushing Matilda in the baby swing, a couple of swings away.
I was watching this all unfold, knowing what was coming, watching as the change came over Celaya, but I also knew there was nothing I could do to prevent it, and that, really, it wasn’t my job to prevent it.
Celaya learned quite successfully how to swing on her own, how to angle her body, how to build momentum. And as she learned this from a trusted adult, she became quieter, her head bent forward, thick mop of hair covering her face. By the time Dennie celebrated what she had just watched Celaya learn, Celaya had gone completely quiet.
And then she started bawling.
Not a hysterically bratty fit. Not a screaming tantrum.
A heart breaking, soul wrenching, tears streaming cry.
I Don’t Want to Grow Up
Celaya is conflicted. She does not know how to handle big emotions, and big emotions almost always accompany her growing process. A part of her fears growing up. She wants to stay my baby.
“I don’t ever want to move out.” Celaya says to me whenever we talk about how someday she’ll grow up and go out into the world, finding her own adventures.
“Okay, honey. If you want to live with me forever, you can.” I say, knowing that it is highly unlikely that my curious, social, willful child will want to stay living with her mother forever.
But for now, she wants to stay a baby.
She also wants to grow up, read, play, try new things, have new experiences. She wants to do things that you have to be a big kid to do.
Baby Big Girl
So she is conflicted. And when she feels full of conflict, she cries. It has always been an emotional release for her.
On the playground, I left Matilda, I picked Celaya up out of the swing, I carried her back to Matilda’s swing, legs wrapped around my waist, face buried in my neck, crying, and I reassured Dennie that it had nothing to do with her lesson.
“Did I scare you Celaya?” Dennie wanted to know.
“No.” I told her. “This is what she does. She is my female Peter Pan.”
Celaya eventually calmed down, came back to herself, and ran off to play, as if nothing had happened.
This Is Why I Homeschool
An institution does not have time for my five year old’s drama. A teacher would need Celaya to get it together in class, to pull herself together, to get to work. Celaya takes her time working through her processes. It takes her twenty five minutes to put clothes on. Without shoes. That’s another five minutes, easily.
When she needs to cry or feel her feelings, she needs to do it in her own way, in her own time.
School would put her in therapy, medicate her, take my big, bold, beautiful butterfly, and stuff her in a box, wings crumpled, antenna crushed. They would wash out her vibrant hues and fade them into a more neutral tone, one that would mesh well with the other kids.
And I get it. Teachers, administrators, school counselors don’t have time for individuals. They don’t have the resources for highly emotional children, for independent feelings and insights, for empaths.
But I do.
Thank the gods.
I do.
We came home, and I gave her extra Mama time. We did some more crafts, snowmen today to follow up on our Christmas trees from yesterday. We discussed geometrical concepts, squares and triangles, circles and ovals, how to angle scissors as you cut to get a circle or oval shape from a square folded in half.
We laughed at each other’s choices of decoration, snacked on our craft-nic, and hugged, kissed, and cuddled while Matilda napped.
Later, as is her new routine, she walked me to the elevator as I headed off to work. She is currently trying to memorize all of the continents, so we repeated them the whole way down the walkway.
“Antarctica, (South) America, (North) America, Asia, Africa, Australia…” I say, trailing off. “And what’s the one that doesn’t start with A?”
“Europe!” She shouts, beaming in self pride.
“Yes!” I shout back.
I kiss my baby big girl, I send her running back down the walkway home, watching to make sure she gets inside, and I think to myself.
I do.
Thank the gods.
I do.
I love that you shared this. I often struggle with a similar battle with my 12 year old son. I LOVE him to pieces, but he is definitely a hyper-sensitive child when it comes to his emotions. He gets sooooo upset easily and often cries (to the point where his peers and teachers consider him to be “not normal” with showing his emotions) and I seem to be the only one that can talk him off that ledge at times. He is super bright, and when he we around 3 years old doctor’s thought he was on the autistic spectrum but then they didn’t think that was the case. Then they labeled him with a social-emotional delay, and the list goes on and on. To me, he is a huge hearted kid that is often misunderstood and can definitely be hard to handle at times if you just don’t “get” him. I often wonder what battles he faces daily in the public school environment, around peers that seem to shy away from being his friend because of his super sensitive emotions. Homeschooling has crossed my mind a few times.
Wow Jamie, thanks for sharing your story. It must be even harder as a boy too, what with all the gender stereotypes, “man up” and all that. School just wasn’t built for individual kids. Your son, my daughter, would just be ordinary kids in a big world of different kids if our school system was different, fewer, shorter days where they got to mix in smaller groups and learn from different adults things their parents aren’t equipped to teach them.
This is a huge reason I homeschool. My hope is that if more people keep their kids home we will reach a threshold that has to be acknowledged. All those hours each day involve so much more than just academics.
Good luck with your son Jamie, and good for you for “getting” him. I look forward to more talks with you, about this and other things.
Such a wonderful read. I know exactly what you are talking about because I work with children with processing and other learning disorders. It’s hard to deal with it in a regular classroom. You’re so lucky you can meet her where she’s at.
thank you, yes, I think about it all the time. We moved a lot around to make this happen, schedules, budgets, etc. It takes a village, right?
I’m so thrilled for you both!
thank you! I am pretty thrilled (and exhausted) to be doing it!
I completely understand! My children take a full hour to dress and eat breakfast to be ready for school! When it comes to school we just got an IEP to help my son! Everyone is different, we all learn in different ways!
absolutely!
I agree the schools aren’t equipped to deal with individuals. I homeschooled my kids for different reasons, but school didn’t work for us either.
yea we just need a complete overhaul of our education system. Haha.
So honest and heartfelt. I can feel that you care. Thank you.
thank you for reading and commenting
Thank you for sharing your story! I know a few parents that deal with this as well. It’s nice to read how other parents handle it.
it is my pleasure to share my story.
These are very important things that I think many parents don’t take into consideration when deciding on education for their kids. It’s not just where they will get the best education, but what suits their temperament the best.
agreed.
I am so proud of you for homeschooling. I don’t have children but I have heard many stories like yours where their children have learning disabilities, emotionally sensitive, etc. and they often put them like you said, on medication, special needs classes, etc. It’s so sad that we have to treat children like that. 🙁
yes, and it’s tough with mine because she’s not obviously special needs or different from other kids. It is very subtle. And kids like her I think are the ones that especially get wedged into boxes that aren’t a good fit for them.
The benefits of of homeschooling I know is endless. I hope to join the wagon soon.
Come on over! We’re happy to have you!
I began my homeschooling journey over 12 years ago, for very similar reasons. You DO have those resources, Mama. Stay strong. You know just what she needs. I’ve recently put my school-age children in school because (among other reasons), after so long I needed time to breathe, myself. I’m not sure if I’ll come back to homeschooling (I still have many years to go until they’re all out of school) but I wouldn’t be surprised. It gets in your blood. I would say the key to making it work are strong convictions and a strong support system. And take time to breathe. We made SO many wonderful memories. Enjoy the journey.
thank you. It’s really nice to hear from someone else who is so much further along. We have discussed whether there will be a time when we put her in school, or her sister behind her, and, like with anything, I think we just have to be open to change and adapt. Thank you for commenting.
Wow, thanks for sharing your story. It’s great that you can be there for her.
yes, everyone who knows her says that too. I am happy to be here.
I think homeschooling is wonderful. It will be nice when I can homeschool my daughter again when we get back to the states.
yea I worry about that. Whenever we discuss finally fleeing the madness that is the US under Trump right now we consider moving to my husband’s country, Mexico. I looked it up just to be sure. They allow homeschooling. Score! Haha. Now I have to check Canada…
I have always been a crier, too. It is hard to explain to people such as in the workplace where people will think you are weird. Haha. I have grown to accept that this is just who I am!
good for you! That takes a lot, especially as a woman, to just except that you cry when you get emotional, and that it doesn’t make you weak. In fact, it makes you strong.
Yes and yes! The nurture still needs to be there, which can’t and doesn’t happen in the classroom, for the most part. Your essay spells out one reason why we also homeschool. I think public school would be “soul-crushing” for my kids (as it was a little for me). Thank you for this encouragement.
thank you! I love hearing from other homeschoolers. Yes, no soul crushing over here, thanks. Haha
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