He sat there staring at the page, my last student of the day. He was already twenty minutes late. I was just about to leave work, happy to go home and finish up essays I have to write for clients. This is my last month at my tutoring center where I help high school kids with English, History, and the verbal portions of standardized tests. I’m not exactly coasting at work, but now that I’ve officially given notice so I can be home to focus more on growing my own business, I’m looking forward bittersweetly to my last day. Then, in raced my student, chasing success, determined to prove himself, anxious to bring his test score up.
Stressed
Stressed. I could see it clearly all over his face, running down his body, vibrating off of him like a live wire. I read a post earlier on social media that said “Energy is my first language. I understand it more than I do words.”
And I commented at the time: “It’s everyone’s first language.”
Here was an example of that. I was reading his energy, and this poor kid was just about to crack from pressure.
I tried to joke with him. No luck.
I tried to figure out what was going on. No go.
“I just want to do a good job. I just wanted to get here. I didn’t want to be late.”
“Dude.” I said. “Chill. It’s cool.”
He hadn’t done the homework I had assigned. He was frazzled, still with the sunscreen across the bridge of his nose from the swim meet he had raced fresh from.
So, in an effort to simply move forward, I assigned him a reading passage to work on, thirteen minutes of reading a passage and answering questions about it.
When he finished he had missed more than half of the questions.
Chasing Success
“Okay.” I said. “What’s going on with you? You don’t miss questions like this? You’re not employing the strategies we went over. You’re not engaging with the passage. Here, read these lines, and tell me what they mean to you.”
He read the lines of a history passage quickly. “I have no idea.”
“Dude! What is going on with you? These are not difficult lines. You speak English. You read in English. Just pull apart the lines… Okay. You know what?” I said. “I’m going to go get some water. I’ll be right back, and then I want to get to the bottom of this.”
I walked down the hall to the kitchen, trying to give him some time to get his bearings about him. To breathe. To come into himself.
I got back and found him staring at the answer sheet and comparing it to his answers.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong.”
“What? No. That’s not going to get you anywhere. Comparing the right answers to your answers is only going to make you feel worse about your mistakes. It’s not going to teach you anything. Alright. Stop. Stop. Stop.” I said. I pulled the test away from him, took the answer sheet, flipped them over and sat back in my chair. “Stop. Stop chasing success.”
Self Abuse
“I’m not going to let you beat yourself up over a stupid test that does not matter to anything at all in the grand scheme of things. This is ridiculous. You’re all worked up over a stupid test. It is a stupid test. Look at me. Look in my eyes right now. You are not this test. This test does not define you in anyway. You, honey, need to get some rest. You’re all wound up and you’re about to crack.” I ended softly.
“I don’t have time to rest. I have too much to do. It’s test week. I have to do well on this test. I won’t get into a good college. I only have an average GPA. I’m no good at this test. I don’t have time to rest.” He spit out in less than twenty seconds.
“What’s your GPA?” I asked, curious.
“3.8.” He said, ashamed.
“3.8?!” I asked, astonished. “Do you know what ‘average’ means?” I asked him.
“3.5.” He said.
“Hahahahahahaha!” I laughed out loud. “No. No no no. Do you even know what the word ‘average’ means?” I asked. “It means what most people get. Do you know what most people get? An average GPA is a 2.0. You are getting well above average. You are chasing success and you don’t even know what success is. You don’t even have an accurate measuring stick. Calm down. It’s just a test.” I said again.
Perfection
For the next hour, my student summed up his primary concerns in life. He needs to live up to his father’s expectations. His father is a brilliant man who went to a top university; he travels the world, he provides for his family, his wife doesn’t have to work. My student then pointed out that that was the average life experience in this day and age, and who was he if he couldn’t live up to that standard? A loser, that’s who. He did not want to live a “basic life.” He made that very clear.
He needed to be just like his father, to follow in his father’s perfect footsteps.
My student suffers from what many students in his situation suffer from, the pressure to be perfect. Perfect by standards not created by or agreed to by them. Standards put in place that are filled with arbitrary meaning and little basis in concrete evidence. Standards that destroy people’s lives every single day. He’s chasing a success that will always be ephemeral, always slipping just out of his reach, for the rest of his life. Because there is no such thing as that kind of perfection.
I leaned forward in my chair, I put my elbows on the table between us and my chin in my hands.
Let. It. Go.
“You will never get there. Never. Let. It. Go.” I looked him in the eye.
“I can’t.” He looked back at me, chin resolute. “I can’t.”
And in that moment I saw a little boy, helpless, lost, hopeless.
“This is my guidance system. This is the only thing I know how to do. I need steps and rules, or else what am I supposed to do?” He asked, desperate for an answer.
We argued for a bit, him pulling up every single excuse he could to hang on to the lies he has been telling himself for who knows how many years. He just has to be motivated. He just has to try harder. No time for fun. No time for wasting time. He’ll be a failure if he doesn’t go to a top school for his desired degree, and it has to be that degree because that’s what his dad has.
Self Love
“What do you want to do?” I asked him. ” When is the last time you asked yourself that question? ‘What do I want to do?’ ‘What do I like?'”
He looked at me blankly.
“Well?” I prompted. “What do you like? Do you even know what you like?”
“No. I don’t have time for that. It’s a waste of time.” He said, defeated.
I pushed, harder still.
“Do you even like yourself?” I asked softly.
“No.” He responded, even more softly. “No.”
“That’s a problem.” I said. “You should love yourself more than you love anything else. You can never figure out who you are or what you want if you don’t even like yourself.”
“If I get the grades I need to get, if I do well on this test, if I go to the good school, if I get the great job and make lots of money, then people will respect me. They’ll see that I am smart. Then I can like myself.” He told me, earnestly.
I Could Have Cried
“That. Will. Never. Work.” I said slowly and clearly. “That will never work. You will spend the rest of your life chasing success, chasing approval, chasing something that you will never grasp. Perfection.”
He was pacing the room now.
“Darling,” I said to this overwrought and anguished kid. “You are already perfect. You don’t have to do anything at all. You are perfect. If you dropped it all, never went to college, never did anything beyond watching Netflix and eating Cheetos on the couch, you will still be perfect. Your parents will love you no matter what. You will be alright. It will all be alright.”
I told him about the myth of hard work versus inspired work. I pulled up dozens of examples of successful people with no college degree, or who started out poor, or who broke through barriers.
And I told him that this was not my first rodeo. That I have been working with stressed out kids my whole life, and that this never ever turns out well.
Self Love
“You have to love yourself.” I said. “Stop chasing success, start loving yourself, and success will chase you.”
“You know,” I said, easing back into my chair. “My daughter does this same thing, at the age of six.” He looked at me, curious.
“Yep. She tells me ‘I just want to make you happy, Mama.'” I told him. “And you know what I tell her?” I leaned forward again.
“I look her in the eyes, just like I’m looking at you now, and I tell her ‘It is not your job to make me happy little girl. It is your job to make yourself happy. The most important relationship you can have is with yourself.'” I sat back.
My student sat back, too.
His shoulder sagged. I watched the fight go out of him, the stress leave his body gradually, the pressure finally begin to release.
Everybody’s Mother
“I wish my parents were like you. You’re so laid back.” He said.
“Would you believe that this is not the first time I’m hearing that?” I laughed.
“You’ll be fine.” I told him. We had now gone well past our ending time of 9PM, heading straight toward 10. “Take a couple of days off, honey. Rest. Let it all go. Don’t do anything at all. Check in with yourself. Start to get to know yourself. Love yourself.”
“And what do I do when my dad asks me why I’m not doing anything?” He asks me. “When he says I’m wasting my time.”
“Tell him: ‘Dad. I’m tired. I’m stressed. I’m about to crack. I need some time, Dad. I just need some time.’ Tell him: ‘I want to go to college, Dad. I want to enjoy college. I want to do well in school, and have fun doing it. I want to be just like you, Dad. I do. But I want to enjoy myself. I want it to be fun. I need it to be fun. So I just need a little space to figure out what that all means to me. I love you, Dad. I love you so much. But I just need a little space.'”
My student nodded, he stood straight up, he kept nodding. “I can do that.” He said, confidently.
“Yes.” I said. “You can.”
I love this post! Thank you for the inspiring words!
Sigh. I think this (as so many things are) is happening to younger and younger people. So glad you were there for this young person. This article will remind the rest of us to keep an eye on the young people in our lives. Thank you!
I would love to have an update about how it went when he spoke to his father. It is great that you were so encouraging. Hopefully some of what you said will sink in, and he will think back on the conversation when he is feeling self doubt.
I love this – especially the reminder “it is not your job to make me happy, it is your job to make yourself happy.” We all need to remind our kids of this!
You were the balance he needed in his life. Very inspirational.
THis is a great post! I love the insight!
You are very inspiring. You know when things are nor right and you know exactly what to say and how to say it. I loved this post. You are great with kids. keep up the great work.
What an inspiring way to present a blog post! Thanks for sharing.
This is a great post… You are amazing 🙂
Why is it so hard to keep self love consistent you think? It’s like a roller coaster!
because we’re torn away from loving ourselves from a very young age and then convinced throughout our lives that it’s selfish and shameful to love ourselves.
The stress that students feel is unnecessary. Life is more about test scores. Thank you for being in tune to your student’s needs.
Yes! The insight is needed. You have to start with yourself.
Sometimes I think kids just need someone to talk to them and help them through these kinds of things. You seem like you’re in tune with the needs of those you tutored and I’m sure your advice helped this young man immensely.
Oh wow, what a story. Thanks so much for sharing. I can’t imagine what kind of pressure high schoolers are in when trying to choose colleges. I was lucky that I got into my first choice and it made it very easy for me. So unfortunate, since there’s way more to life than trying to pick a school.
I think it is so hard for kids to get through all of these hurdles. Very honest post!
Such a great story! I wish him the best. Thanks for sharing.
Glad you were able to give him something positive on which to focus and an opportunity to look at what his own heart desires. Another inspiring story.
Self love is so important. People underestimate the necessity allmod the time.
There are kids in elementary schools under this same stress today. It’s crazy!
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